funnyboy2

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”
- Robert Frost


My Hero

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Urban Dictoinary

Witty-Being clever and funny, making funny quips off the top of your head. Witty people are clever and cool. Hang out with them.



Witty Profiles- Witty profiles can be extremely addicting.

Obsession will occur.

School work will be put off until every single quote

on the top quotes list is read.

Witty profiles will know more about you than your friends

and family do, and you will pour every single thought into

your quotes.

You will always keep a notepad or something to r e c o r d your

quotes in so you don’t forget them.

Witty profiles will pretty much be your LIFE. <3  








HAHAHAHAHAHAROFL

"And no one's gonna love you more than I do

No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone, 
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down"

I have just called my new dog sindrome
"Down Sindrome, Get down Sindrome"

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat but downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Skinny person : OMG I'm so freking fat
Me : Shut up and eat your sandwich

You know i couod proably win the X Factor
They just wouldnt let me bring my shower on stage

Three girls are asking their mothers how they got their names
1st girl: Mummy, how did i get my name?
1st girl's mother: Well, when you were a new born baby i took you outside and a rose petal fell on your head. So, i named you Rose

2nd girl: Mummy, how did i get my name?
2nd girl's mother: Well, when you were a new born baby i took you outside and a lily petal fell on your head. So, i named you Lily

3rd girl: Mfeumfmy hfow dhuid ei gt mqy nsame
3rd girl's mother:
SHUT UP FRIDGE