ocean pixie*
Status:
loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself
Joined: June 23, 2013
Last Seen: 5 years
Birthday: August 14
user id: 363999
Gender: F
Joined: June 23, 2013
Last Seen: 5 years
Birthday: August 14
user id: 363999
Gender: F
344
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1,236 Favorites
465 Following
432 Followers
93 Comment Points
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1,236 Favorites
465 Following
432 Followers
93 Comment Points
Comments
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well, witty. it's been fun, but i no longer have time to spend on this lovely little website. most of my witty friends have come and gone, except for a few who check in occasionally.
feel free to contact me on any of my social media accounts:
instagram: sydneyntb
snapchat: iamthesydney
tumblr: oceanpixie
ocean pixie*'s Favorite Quotes
And when my words fall short, I pray that you'll find
your own.
My friend's eulogy is in the school end-of-term
magazine and I really don't want to read it
because
1. it was written by snobbish teachers who are going to make it sound wrong
2. it was a suicide and they wouldn't understand because they didn't know her
3. she was trans and they're really conservative
4. I don't know if my heart is ready for it
5. I don't know if I'm ready to revisit it yet again
6. I don't know if I ever will be
But I also want to read it because
1. I can't not
2. I feel I have to
3. I need to
4. I don't want to and that makes me feel like I should
I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry at her for doing it. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry.
1. it was written by snobbish teachers who are going to make it sound wrong
2. it was a suicide and they wouldn't understand because they didn't know her
3. she was trans and they're really conservative
4. I don't know if my heart is ready for it
5. I don't know if I'm ready to revisit it yet again
6. I don't know if I ever will be
But I also want to read it because
1. I can't not
2. I feel I have to
3. I need to
4. I don't want to and that makes me feel like I should
I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry at her for doing it. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry.
Right
now, I feel crippled by all the
mistakes I've made. The weigh so heavilly on me I
don't feel I can work towards change or growth.
That's what I'm always meant to do, what I've
always tried to do, and right now I just feel I can't;
I've given up the right to try.
That's what it feels like. And I won't let that
feeling carry on forever, I'll pick up the ball and start
climbing up again. There are things
in this world I want to change, I want to fight. It
didn't matter how small I am. And the weight of my
shoulders may have shrunk me for now, but
I'll grow again, and I'll fight again,
one day sometime.
"I grew up believing that one day I'd be walking through
the grocery store or picking out a book at the library and I'd
see a boy and that would be it, happily ever after. But when I
was sixteen a boy said he loved me and then broke my heart two
weeks later. And that's when I realized that love isn't a
fairytale. We don't just meet our soulmates on the street. That's
not how love works. Love is messy and complicated. It's constant
worrying and never knowing what to do about it. It's taking it a
day at a time because that's all you can handle. That's what love
is."
i miss my confidence as a
little girl.
i miss being able to be myself around the boys i had crushes on without fear. i miss being able to openly admit that i liked them. then along came the anxiety and the rude, gross boys who weren't worth it. those two problems mixed together were the perfect concoction of triggers that ruined my self esteem.
i hate hearing my heart beat through my chest when i'm around that special boy because i pray so badly not to fnck up, i hate not being my friendly self and acting aggressive and standoffish so they don't get the idea that i like them. i hate not being able to make eye contact, to ask them simple questions, to feel my stomach churn like crazy when i merely hear them mention another girl's name, i hate when my friends try to help me out by asking him how he feels about me and literally feeling like vomiting because i was deceived into thinking the answer was always going to be bad, all because my anxiety overpowered me and tried to let my past become my future.
i hate crying pools of tears when i find out they don't feel the same and producing pools of sweat the next day when i have to see them and avoid eye contact with them and pretend my whole body isn't weak and shaky and my soul hasn't rotted and he's looking at me differently because he knows about my feelings and i'm left embarrassed, degraded, vulnerable and belittled, all because i admired someone, all because he had pretty eyes or because he was funny or because he was really good at baseball and i didn't measure up to his standards and due to the voices at school i thought i was the ugliest thing in the world and i'd never have a boy want me.
i hate continuing to feel so insecure when i find out a boy does like me and feeling like it's all a sick joke and once he sees the real side of me he'll leave due to several past experiences that left me aching for months, even years. i hate having that feeling in my stomach when they text back too late or give one word responses or i see him with another girl, feeling like i have no control, there's never a good side because i'm either overthinking and making them feel bad for me or they're making me feel bad and i'm being overdramatic, all because i was told so many times that i was ugly, that i wasn't worth it, that i'd never find a boy who i liked and liked me too.
but i have to overcome, because my faith is my fortune. if i keep focusing on my past i'll get more of it. i have to put myself out there and not be afraid, and remind myself that if things don't work out it isn't my fault. i am still strong, smart and beautiful no matter what that boy thinks, and as a bonus, i am brave for going against traditional gender roles and going after what i want instead of just waiting around for it. it won't be easy and some of these scars will never fade, but i'll always be growing.
i miss being able to be myself around the boys i had crushes on without fear. i miss being able to openly admit that i liked them. then along came the anxiety and the rude, gross boys who weren't worth it. those two problems mixed together were the perfect concoction of triggers that ruined my self esteem.
i hate hearing my heart beat through my chest when i'm around that special boy because i pray so badly not to fnck up, i hate not being my friendly self and acting aggressive and standoffish so they don't get the idea that i like them. i hate not being able to make eye contact, to ask them simple questions, to feel my stomach churn like crazy when i merely hear them mention another girl's name, i hate when my friends try to help me out by asking him how he feels about me and literally feeling like vomiting because i was deceived into thinking the answer was always going to be bad, all because my anxiety overpowered me and tried to let my past become my future.
i hate crying pools of tears when i find out they don't feel the same and producing pools of sweat the next day when i have to see them and avoid eye contact with them and pretend my whole body isn't weak and shaky and my soul hasn't rotted and he's looking at me differently because he knows about my feelings and i'm left embarrassed, degraded, vulnerable and belittled, all because i admired someone, all because he had pretty eyes or because he was funny or because he was really good at baseball and i didn't measure up to his standards and due to the voices at school i thought i was the ugliest thing in the world and i'd never have a boy want me.
i hate continuing to feel so insecure when i find out a boy does like me and feeling like it's all a sick joke and once he sees the real side of me he'll leave due to several past experiences that left me aching for months, even years. i hate having that feeling in my stomach when they text back too late or give one word responses or i see him with another girl, feeling like i have no control, there's never a good side because i'm either overthinking and making them feel bad for me or they're making me feel bad and i'm being overdramatic, all because i was told so many times that i was ugly, that i wasn't worth it, that i'd never find a boy who i liked and liked me too.
but i have to overcome, because my faith is my fortune. if i keep focusing on my past i'll get more of it. i have to put myself out there and not be afraid, and remind myself that if things don't work out it isn't my fault. i am still strong, smart and beautiful no matter what that boy thinks, and as a bonus, i am brave for going against traditional gender roles and going after what i want instead of just waiting around for it. it won't be easy and some of these scars will never fade, but i'll always be growing.
don't date an overthinker. she'll spend days analyzing your facial
expressions when you speak and nights deciphering what the period
placement in your text meant. She'll agonize for hours over why you
didn't say hello to her at breakfast, and start to create
unrealistic scenarios in her head that you decided that you no
longer like her. Don't date her because she'll suffocate you with
her care. She'll always ask if you're okay, and constantly say she
loves you just to hear you say it back to her. And she'll cry, oh
lord, she'll cry. She'll cry over the way you looked at that girl,
or the way your eyes stopped lighting up at the sound of her name.
She'll cry when you start kissing her like its your job and
touching her like its a habit. She'll even overthink the fact that
maybe shes just overthinking. That you do still love her, that all
these worries might just be in her head. And so when you do leave,
she'll still wake up six months from now replaying the moments in
her head like a broken record "where did i go wrong?" or "what did
i do this time?". Do not date an overthinker unless you plan on
marrying her.
mind your own biscuits
and life will be gravy.
© format coded by: br0kenwings
Please don't remove this, or make it invisible!
Please don't remove this, or make it invisible!
It hurts to know you're happy,
It hurts that you've moved on.
It hurts that you've moved on.
