Thinking
about cutting?
Before you self harm in any way, you should probably know
what you’re getting into. Before you make that first
cut, please keep in mind that you will find the pain release
and the blood really addictive. You may think to yourself
that you’ll be able to control it, that you won’t
let it get out of hand. You may think that you can just stick
to a few small, shallow cuts here and there that won’t
be deep and that will heal quickly and easily. But
you’re wrong. You can’t control it, it’s
impossible to control. It controls you. It’s an
addiction. The cuts will get deeper, they’ll scar.
They’ll take weeks and to months to heal and years for
the scars to actually begin to fade. Soon, you’ll
depend on it. You can’t go more than a few days without
cutting. You’ll go crazy as your skin itches and burns,
your hands shake, your head pounds, your vision goes blurry
as you try to keep your mind off of it, try to hold back from
giving in. But you will. There’s no way out. If you
think you can limit the cuts to just one area of your body,
you better think again. It’ll spread slowly but
steadily, like a deadly virus. It’ll spread as you run
out of skin, from your wrists to arms, past your elbows, up
your shoulders down to your stomach, across your hips and
waist and soon will cover your every inch of your legs right
down to your ankles. I hope you’re prepared to withdraw
from others and live in a constant state of shame and guilt.
Even if you have been the most honest person to ever live,
you will lie to your friends, family members, everyone around
you who you care about. You’ll find yourself jerking
back from the touch of someone, as if their fingers and hands
have been bathed in a toxic, burning poison. You’ll be
terrified that they will feel a scar or cut from beneath the
fabric of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much
to simply be touched. Be prepared to become your own worst
enemy. You’ll fear yourself, your head, the urges that
taunt you every minute of every day. You’ll come to
fear the next time you cut because you don’t know how
bad it’ll be. Wait for the 10 cuts to turn into 20 then
50 then 100. You’ll be covered in scars and cuts. Your
entire life will begin to revolve around your addiction.
You’ll constantly be thinking about cutting, covering
up your cuts, how you’ll hide your blades, scissors,
bobby pins and the other objects you use to destroy your
body. And then..the first time that you cut “too
deep.” The bleeding won’t stop and you’re
gasping, shaking, panicking, fear takes over you. You pray
and hope that the bleeding will stop. Your purpose
wasn’t to die, you won’t ever go that deep again.
Right? Wrong. You’ll go there again, and deeper. But
don’t worry. You’ll learn how to take care of
your cuts so you don’t have to take a trip to the
hospital every night. The better you get at treating your
wounds, the worse they become. You’ll lie to yourself
and try to justify it when you go to the pharmacy and drug
store, finding yourself spending 20, 30, 40 dollars on
dressings, gauze, alcohol wipes and sterile strips.
You’ll tap your foot impatiently, hoping that no one
stares and asks you why you’re buying all of these
things. But at the same time..you hope someone asks, so you
know they care. Be prepared to spend even more money on an
entire new wardrobe. Long sleeved shirts, hoodies, long
pants, boots, bracelets, wristbands. The list goes on
forever. You’ll keep scanning other people’s
bodies for signs of self harm, hoping that there is someone
else out there who feels the same way you do. Hoping, praying
that they will be like you. But that will never happen.
You’ll see clean, uncut, unmarred arms and feel even
more alone and ashamed than before. You’ll do a lot of
things alone, be prepared to kiss your social life goodbye.
You’ll always be doing your laundry, always in private
so no one sees the blood stained towels and clothes.
You’ll be spending hours scrubbing blood from the
bathroom floor, and wiping dried blood off of your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it a day without cutting.
You’ll carry an emergency kit in your wallet or purse.
A key, safety pin, a needle, a paperclip, even a pencil.
Everything around you will become a weapon. It doesn’t
matter what it is, as long as it gives you that feeling that
sends you reeling. Next thing you know, you’re in the
bathroom stall at your school or work, picking open the scab
of an old cut with a needle. Say goodbye to all of the things
you took for granted. Shorts, sandals, tank tops, swimming in
the summer, going to the beach. All of these things will be a
far off memory. I hope you like itching and scratching non
stop. You will itch and itch and itch. It’ll be so much
that it’ll look like you have some sort of flesh eating
disease. You will become an expert on your body as you
carefully destroy it, taking it apart piece by piece. You
will dream of cutting, dreaming of getting caught. It will
haunt you day and night, in your dreams and when you are
awake. Cutting will take over your life. It now has
it’s hold over you, it controls you. You’ll hate
yourself, hate yourself for making that first cut that threw
you into this vicious, neverending cycle. You’ll wish
you never made that first cut. You’ll wish you had read
something like this, or that someone had told you what would
happen. But as much as you hate your addiction and self harm,
you love it and can’t live without it. You’d
rather die than go just a few weeks without
cutting.