i_just_want_to_die

Hey. This isnt my first account, probly wont be my last. Anyway, im 14, I dance, play soccer, basketball, Im in marching band, band, chorus. Basicly, Im a busy person. I cut, Im suicial, Im depressed, Im slighly anorexic, I cut, Im bisexual. If any of that bothers you, please keep it to yourself. Im trying to stop cuting and havnt cut in one month. Im here for anyone, no matter what. No matter what your issue is, sexual abuse, eating dissorders, self harm, depression, family, friends, anything, im here for you. my cell is 315-854-7097, if you need to talk or just want someone to talk to just text me, no need to ask first, my kik is tashauna31. if you want my facebook just ask. this account is purely for helping people. ill do my best to help you.

My Story 
In 7th grade I moved schools. I had gone to a K-6 school and graduated jume of 2010. That summer i did marching band for Lisbon, my new school. I did front line and met two people that were going to be in my grade, Jesse, and Jayden. I became friends with them. They seemed nice enough and so did everyone else. I was excited for 7th grade. That ear i decided to play soccer, I hadnt played sense 2nd grade. People were nice enough and i though the year would go well. After i had adjusted to going to a big public school (my old school consisted of two hallways and 11 rooms, a office, princeipals office, two bathrooms, and a handicap bathroom.) it was ok but people were mean. About half way through 7th grade i became depressed. Basketball season came, that was my sport, i was ready and excited. Then people got worse. My coach hated me, my team hated me, i hated basketball and was so glad when it was over. Summer came and that meant marching band. This was a akward summer, i still didnt know very many people and Jayden had moved and Jesse didnt march. I stayed to myself alot. 8th grade. I was not excited. At all. I went back and the bullying was just as bad, but it got worse. during soccer season two girls told me to kill myself, one made a comment about my dad (hes never been around and had recently started to try to come into my life). Basketball season, way worse than the year before. I was super depressed and the people just made it worse, Basketball was torture. 1st game of the season. Away at Hermon-Dekalb. I go in, subing 2 minuets into the first quarter. After about two possetion changes i couldnt breath. I tried to push through it but eventualy i knew i just had to sollow my pride and ask to be taken out. I was dizzy and after 5 minuets still couldnt breath. My mom came over and took my outside to cool down. I got better, i was weak but i wasnted to go back to atleast watch. As soon as i got into the gym i almost passed out. My mom took me back outside and an ambulance was called. I went to the hospital where they told me to see a Cardiologist (heart docter). Well i live in a small town, I would have to wait to get an appointment in Syracuse. I wasnt allowed to play sports untill after i was cleared by a cardiologist. That was the first time i ever thought of suicide. The next day at school i still felt really weak and was tired from only haveing 2hrs of sleep (i was in the ER untill 4am). Only 3 people asked if i as ok. I got through the day, with three trips to the nurse, one for a nap, second because she wanted to check on me third becuase i felt dizzy). The Christmas concert was that night. I felt like , but i went. My band and chorus teachers asked numerous times before they would let me go on stage if i was ok. I got through the night, that was a friday so then i had all weekend to sleep and rest. I was cleared to play again during christmas break. The rest of the year sucked. In may someone said something and that night i was sitting in bed thinging about it and saw the siscors. That was the first time i cut. May 5th 2012. The rest of the year whent by, i cut and by summer probly had 20 scars. That summer i didnt do maching band, just kinda stayed at home. Then my cousins came to visit from Florida. My cousin Adam has sever ADD and when i wouldnt let him go swimming, he called me fat. That was the day i stopped eating. In july i made a firiend on witty, Shannon. we became good frieds. Then july 22nd she killed herself. In august i had my first girlfriend, Dakota. August 28th she commited suicide. Two days later i met Chelsea. We beacme best friends. In october, i started to like her.  9th grade came, lif still sucked, i had more scars, and weighed 20lbs less. In October I started to like chelsea. We had both promised each other we would eat and try to cut less. I gained 12lbs back. On christmas something switched on again and i stopped eating. one day during basketball season Chelsea said if it wasnt for my boyfriend shed date me. so, i dumped him. Superbowl Sunday i asked chelsea out, she said no, it killed me and still does. A few days ago Chelsea and i got in a fight and right now were not talking. it kills me to go on facebook and see shes online but not message her. im still not eating and i right now am at a total weight loss of 37lbs. i still really dont want to eat. im not cutting and havent in over a month. Chelsea was really my reason to eat and not to cut so its been harder to do those things but im strugling through it. i hope to one day say i beat self harm and an eating dissorder but for right now im takeing it day by day and im getting better.

My Family! 
lol. ok, so being real now. well with a title of My Family! you probly thought i like my family. if you did no gold star for you because your way wrong. so where to start... well lets start with my parents. my mom raises me and my sister, Kayleigh. Kayleigh is the only full sister i have. i have one half brother and like 4 half sisters.my dad. he is in the army. he also never married my mom, and is not exactly in my life, he kinda is. we text but not that often.  he is currently on a military base in some state that has some name that im not shareing ;) my half sisters anf brothers are from him. ive never met them. i dont see my dad alot the last time i saw him was in december. i waited 1933 days to hug my dad. and for all of you not good at math that would be 5yrs 4 months and 3 weeks. hmmmm... now i think ill talk about... grandparents. my grandpa died  when i was in 3rd grade and my grandma is 72 and had throat cancer so she cant talk and has a hole in her throat. um aunts... i have two lisa and vicky. lisas nice but she treats me like a little kid sometimes. vicky.... well shes ok for the most part but she gets bossy and acts like she should be my mom and tht my mom isnt going a good job. now. uncles. i have two of them also. jimmy and it. my uncle jimmys pretty cool untill you piss him off. it. well when i was 5 he molested me, he did untill i was 7. when i was 11 he raped me, hes done tht a few times but only like 4. so that bout summs it up. not to happy but it could be worse. and i think thats it.  
byeee