ifstarscouldtalk

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Joined: September 12, 2010
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 124859

I'm Lexie and I am currently at the exciting age of 16. Not so exciting. I am not putting quotes on here to get faves or for people to feel bad for me because I know it could be much much worse.
I will be honest I have been abused my whole life and well I still love my abuser, he is my father. I can't change who he is and I won't because this is a long time in the making with him. I am currently writing a book about my life and how that I am going to over come that and make myself a better person. My life has been messed up for a long long time, but I am not complaining because then I wouldn't be the person I am today, sometimes I think I might have been happier but I don't think that is true. The book will be called "Behind the Mask: True Lies", if it changes I will post it. It is something that is difficult to write because you know someone is going to see that and judge you. You can't keep people from doing that but I have always wanted to write it to make it better for people, and expose the truth and the lies that my hometown has created.
I am from such a small town in Iowa that is becoming very popular by the minute because of the flood over there, but it was home for a 11 years, the longest I will probably ever life my entire life.
Some of the things that inspire me are the stars, the moon, the people around me, boys, and well the life that I am trying so hard to over come and not let myself give up. The one person that I look up to is my mom, but the person I look back on is my Aunt Roeline.
Few things that my Aunt Roeline helped me with and even now after all the year she has been gone and missed. She helped me see that myself is the best that will ever be around. She also taught me to hid what really hurts so no one will freak out and worry because she put up the best mask that anyone could ever do in the whole world I think. I never knew she was in pain until after she passed away when I was 10, that just so happens when my life fell apart.
I don't want people to freak out because I do have hard times that I show and sometime I will speak the truth and no one knows it. I am going to say this one last thing, my mom hides our imperfections and our secrets because she has been around too many people who judge so roughly.

I am not putting this for anyone to feel sorry for me because that has always been what I hated the most. I don't see why people can be sorry for someone else who is just trying so hard just to not feel like this anymore, but I do except them a lot better than I did when I was younger. I still don't want people to truly know the pain because I never want anyone to feel pain and others pain is so so much better.
Thanks for support and thanks for just reading the quotes and commenting one my profile. Thanks for just being a space I can vent and it not be my journal, where someone can put there feed back in too. JUST THANKS. :D

Quotes by ifstarscouldtalk

Day 6:
Favorite Sports

This is really sad because in the last 3 years I became allergic to one of my favorite sports :(
1. Swimming ( I'm allergic to the chlorine)
2. Basketball
3. Baseball, NOT softball big difference.
4. Watching high school football, spent most of my life living across from the football field and the football field in a town in Iowa use to be part of my great grandpa's land and is now the football field... Spent a good chunk with football. :D

Day 5:
Saddest moment in my entire life...

The day of my Aunt Roeline (If I ever have a baby girl she will be blessed to have this name... and carry it just like she did) funeral. I hated it because I was suppose to be the strong one in my family. Well I was sitting there and the only thing I remember is my sister balling and I was sitting on the end alone and I had to hold back my tears because my aunt was like my best friend, it killed me and to make it worst she was my everything. I didn't want anything else. I still cry but I will always wake up with a picture of me and her on my bedside table so I can see it all the time. I still love her and it has been 6 years. I even made her a picture to remember me. :( Saddest thing I have done and to think when my parents die it will be like that all over again maybe even worst....

Day 4:
Things I fear...

The things I fear are the dark, being in close places, being up way to high, escalators, my brother (Not really I just kicked his butt), being left, being blamed for nothing, and I have a fear of the dark only a little though!!!

Dear Mr. Right...

Ironically that is your last name, and I think it is surely a sign... You see we play these games, and yet someone is going to end up hurt, but you see I am trying my hardest not to be that person, not this time not here. I have promised I wouldn't fall but you know that plans change and heart get hurt, you are just going to figure out which one you going to hurt but in the end, she isn't going to want a cheating jerk. Sadly you could do whatever the hell you wanted, anything.
Secretly you kill me when you lead me on. Remember this was your idea. I was going to make my move at some point and if you really knew that what would you say? You don't make me feel like a freak because I am a smart tom boy that has plans to never change. You take me as I am nothing less. This is one of the reason you are the "right" guy for me. You are just what I need. You are one of my close friends.
I explained to you my fears, and you made me feel like you know that you weren't going to do that. You and I have set up our promises, and yes you have kept your promises in most ways that are the most important. But what if I asked for more.... more of you, more of us talking, more of everything that makes my world seem to go round right now. You know other boys can't compare, and sitting in the same room as you well it drives me nuts and I have told you all of this before.
The best day in the world since I met you was Friday March 25th. I have shared my secret with you, what more can I ask for. It isn't like I can go up and hold your hand in the hall. I have to hide the fact that I talk to you all the time. You can drive me crazy and make me want to run and hide everything, but I know I am breaking out of my shell and I can thank you for that because I can always relate with you and you make me feel right at home when I joke and talk to you. I don't want to be one of the guys I want to be the girl that you smile and look at all the time and think wow, maybe she is right too.
You know your right for me right now... Prove to me that I could for you too.


 

Yours..
Never wants to give up you in the world.
Mr. Perfect :D

Why does it seem my country friends have more rap on their iPod than a city slicker??? Just wondering because I am guilty of being a country girl with the rap music problem but I blame my friends... :D

Day Three
My closest friends:

Payton
Katie
Maddie
Sabrina
Daniel

Ummm I guess that tends to be everyone I talk to you like almost everyday and know most of my slutty secrets... And they still love me!!! <3
{jking about the whole slutty secrets... I am too goody two shoes for that, or so most people think! :D}

Day Two... (My favorite number)

The person's initials that I have loved the longest....

I don't know... but in high school/junior high was Z.S. but in elementary school it was between K.J. and C.D. who are now like my brother just like they were then. :D

Times like this I just want to be like P!nk in the video, "Please Don't Leave Me" and tie you up for myself and sing to you beggin' you not to leave me, because I don't want you to leave me... From a girl who doesn't believe in love but is starting to believe in loving you... <3

You just need to believe because everyone out there trying to destroy you prays you don't believe and hope... Just BELIEVE <3

I believe in you...!
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