No
One Can Love With a Broken Heart
Nattily’s POV
I was in the hospital; I knew that, I just didn’t know how I
got here. I knew that my head killed. I still felt so lightheaded.
Something was wrong with me, but what could it be? I was healthy
one minute and the next I fell to the floor, is that supposed to
mean something? As I was thinking about all of this, I noticed
someone crying in the corner of my hospital room. I couldn’t
tell who it was.
“Hello?” I sat up, trying to get a better look at the
person.
“Nat- I’m so sorry! This-” It was Johnny, he
sniffled.
“Stop, please, just explain to me how this was possibly your
fault? Just explain that to me. Exactly, you can’t, so
don’t even think that,” I said, my voice got quiet, I
could barely finish the sentence, I was going to cry. Johnny was
just being stupid, he shouldn’t think any of this was his
fault,
"Well, you fell, out of nowhere! And then you randomly started
bleeding of the mouth and I didn’t know what to do! I was in
shock. It was my fault. It took me so long to call 911, what if you
died? That would be because of me!” Johnny screamed. He
really did think it was his fault.
I couldn’t believe it. I had no clue how to answer him. So I
said the first thing that came to my mind, I was bleeding
from my mouth?" I had no clue what that meant, but I doubt it
was good.
"Yeah," Johnny looked out the window next to him,
“I called some people after I called 911, told them you were
going to the hospital,” still not looking at me.
I didn’t care about who knew I was there, I cared about what
was happening to body, my health, and me “Johnny, get a nurse
in here now” Johnny looked over at me.
“Why? You look-,”
“Please! Just do it!” I interrupted. He got up and ran
into the hall and flagged someone down. Her nametag said she was
Kelly.
“Can you please tell me what is going on, with me?” I
asked, begging her.
Her eyes darted, she knew what was wrong me with, but she
wasn’t going to tell me, great, “That isn’t my
place to say,” she said looking at her shoes.
“Then who’s is it?” I yelled at her. This
wasn’t fair, there was something wrong with me and I
wasn’t going to be able to find out until the stupid nurse
wanted to tell me.
“Once your aunt gets here the doctor will come in and tell
all of you at the same time. It’s easiest that way,”
she tried to smile at me; trying to tell me everything was going to
be all right.
“I don’t care about easiest, I want to know what the
hell is wrong with me!” I was yelling louder hoping she would
take the hint that I needed to know what was wrong right now, not
later.
“I’m sorry,” the nurse said and walked out. I
couldn’t believe it. There was no way to get them to tell me
what was going on with me. I looked down at my hands. I had all
types of tubes hooked up to me. Something was really wrong with
me.
“Johnny?” I called to him, he looked up, and I could
tell he wasn’t looking at me, he was looking past me. He knew
something too.
“Yeah, Nattily,” his voice was low.
“Can you call my aunt and see when she is coming here?”
I lowered my voice too, I didn’t like yelling, I felt so out
of control when I did, like I was going to hurt someone or
something and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.
Johnny got up, took out his phone and looked out the window again,
like whatever was out there was going to help him through whatever
he needed to get through.
“Hey, she’s awake, she wanted to know when you were
coming in to see her,” he stopped and listened, “are
you sure that’s best?” listened again, “Okay
I’ll let her know,” he said and hung up the phone.
What was he going to tell me? That Ashley didn’t want to
come see me? She was too ashamed that I was stupid. That I was
going to be a teen mother and have something wrong with me?
That was the first time I actually remembered I was pregnant. What
if something was wrong with my baby? What would I do?! What would I
tell Ian? He would never look at me again if I killed his baby. He
was actually happy about becoming a father. Oh no.
“Johnny!” I burst into tears; he ran over to me and
wiped the tears away.
“What! What’s wrong Nattily? Calm down!” He told
me, I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t going to be able to stop
crying ever. I ruined my life in a matter of seconds.
“My- my baby!” I sobbed.
“No! No! Nattily, the baby is fine! I promise, once the
doctors made sure you were all right they made sure the baby was
okay. Nattily, you and your baby are going to be fine,”
Johnny soothed, trying to stop the tears pouring down my face. I
could tell one of us wasn’t going to be okay, I just hoped it
was me; I want my baby to grow up, to actually have a life and not
make the mistakes I did.
Once I stopped crying Johnny got up and looked at me,
“Nattily, Ashley is coming,” he looked at the time on
his phone, “she should be here in two minutes but, she is
bringing Ian with her, she says that he has a right to know what is
going on with you too,” I didn’t know what to say, I
just knew I didn’t want to see Ian like this. I was a mess. I
could feel it, my hair was greasy, my make up was running, my eyes
were puffy and red.
Johnny walked back over to his seat and looked out the window
again, he didn’t like the fact that I loved Ian still. Johnny
didn’t think anything was going to happen with Ian and I ever
again and that I should move on, to him, Johnny. But I
couldn’t. I loved Ian and Johnny, but the way I felt about
Johnny was completely different. He was like my older brother,
protective, sweet, and caring. I hated myself for letting him think
there could ever be something between us.
“Hey sweetie,” it was Ashley, she walked in, came over
and gave me a hug, Ian just hung by the doorway, “How do you
feel, Nattily?” she asked in a caring voice.
“Better than I did earlier. Hey, Ian” I made a little
wave at Ian, he just half-smiled at me, that’s all I was
worth now, a half smile.
“Oh, okay. Good, we should get the doctor in here,”
Ashley wanted this over with just as fast as I did.
My aunt found a nurse and told her to grab the doctor that we
needed to see.
Once the doctor came in the room Ian moved closer to my aunt and
Johnny stood up and walked closer to the edge of my bed, “Hi
Nattily how are you feeling? I’m Doctor Morris,” the
doctor was just trying to make me feel comfortable, but it
didn’t work.
“I’m fine, please just tell me what is wrong with
me,” I said it as nicely as I could.
Doctor Morris looked at me, then at his clipboard, “Nattily,
you have Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia also know as CMML,”
looking up at me again with saddened eyes, “We can give you
treatment but that would kill your baby, or you can have your baby
but the cancer would spread and we wouldn’t be able to save
you,” Oh my god, this couldn’t be happening. I was
going to have to choose. I already knew what I was going to do, but
I don’t know how anyone was going to take it.
“Thank you,” I smiled at the doctor letting him know he
could leave the room whenever he wanted now.