iorekpuppy

Finally, I'm home. You know... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? it was never something I thought I'd have until I was older.... Schizoaffective disorder? something I'd never even IMAGINED having... But both? coupled with a discovery that I'm even MORE of a FREAK than I thought? well... That is simply the icing on the damn cake isn't it?

The Falling Problems
Chapter 2

        I blinked away tears as I ran away from him down the hallway, away from my math class. I didn't care about that though, I was too upset, and Mr. D would understand. I ran to the courtyard, where my friends with lunch that period were eating. I sunk down into the corner seat I occupied every period I was there, and I allowed only one or two tears to fall before I stopped myself.
         I sat there, for half an hour. Nobody spoke to me. We'd all been through this similar drill before. AJ breaks me in half, and I piece myself together in the courtyard instead of classes I already knew the coursework for. 
           Of course, someone had to break the unspeakable rule... "Hey... Ella?" the voice asked.
         My head snapped up, alarmed. This was someone who clearly did not know the unspoken rules of the courtyard. An outsider of sorts. He was tall, tan, dark haired. I recognized him immediately as Drake. A girl who used to be a good friend of mine had dated him a few times, but broken up for reasons I didn't know...
        Me and Drake weren't close, and I was confused as to why he was talking to me, so I played nice, "Yeah? What's up Drake?"
        "I... uh.... Heard what happened in the hallway with you and AJ after my math class... You guys were right outside my door... Are you alright...?"
       Now I was suspicious... What did he want? He could not actually CARE!? So what? "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine."
       "Okay... well... If you need someone to talk... You have my number I assume." He went to walk away.
      And for the second time that day, I surprised myself: "Actually: I don't," I said boldly, "Shay never put it in when you were dating...?" 
      I internally smacked myself "What are you doing El!?!?!" I questioned myself mentally.
      "Oh! Here, I'll give it to you!" He responded easily, as if he hadn't a care in the world. He took out a pen from his bag, and took my outspread hand (still in slapping position, for when he left and I could properly face-palm myself) and began to write down his phone number. I was amazed at the little jolt I felt when he first grabbed my hand.
      I hadn't felt that little jolt since "no!" I stopped my thoughts in their track, "Don't think about him," I told myself repeatedly, "AJ's no good for you!" 
       "There you go!" Drake grinned, pulling me back to reality. "See you around!" 
       And with that, he left. Leaving me quite a bit confused...

The Falling Problems
Chapter 1

          "I did it again. I fell for his stupid lies.. This is the THIRD time! Come ON Ella you've gotta get a hold of yourself. GET. OVER. HIM." I told myself after I got home from school.
          My ex-best friend of several years has just gone and broken my heart. Again. I've known him ten years, we've been close for 8. Dated once, he cheated. Dated twice, he cheated. And now a year later, he's done it yet again. And this time, "I've had enough. I will be done with that boy if it is the last thing I do!" were the thoughts running through my head, not "how am I going to get him back....". And I was determined to succeed. problem is... How....?
       After thinking all night, no sleep, I had nothing. No list of guys I'd be willing to date. No plan of revenge. Nothing. So I went to school the next day, exhausted, upset, and feeling pretty much like I had nowhere to go.
        Second period through fifth period, no diice on anything. Nothing interesting, I felt, if possible, even more hopeless in regards to my "get over the douche" plan than I had earlier in the morning.
      Sixth period, I ran into HIM. "Hey Ella... About yesterday... Can we just..." He started his plea to forget it happened, but I surprised myself...
      "No. AJ I will not just forget this time. I told you yesterday!" I bravely interrupted him. I felt broken as I said the words I knew I needed.
      "But El! I thought you loved me!" He said the L-word. Now there was going to be hell to pay.
      "I loved you!? YES! You said you loved ME as well though AJ!!! I'm done! No more! This was the final time!" I whispered to him quietly, but fiercely. 
      I saw his eyes widen in surprise, but as he reached for my arm, I was already gone...

Heart broken once: It's on you.
Heart broken twice: It's on me too.

We've just passed with round three.
I'm starting to think
I'm falling for lies because I don't know anything else...

I had a relapse a while ago.

My schizoaffective order kinda pulled through the medications and the treatments...

I was again in a mental hospital in Chicago for the last week.


The past haunts me now... My nightmares are everywhere.... 

Today, I thought I saw my best friend, the guy I may be falling in love with, get attacked in an alley as I walked to where the bus would come take me back to the house. I had to stand and do nothing... Knowing it was an illusion on some deeper level... But it still felt traumatizing to see...

The blood I saw... It's horrible to think this... But the attack is identical to the way I used to be trained to use for when I was older when I was in my gang.... And I was horrified that at one point in my life... I was comfortable with the possibility of causing that much blood to actually flow from someone's best friend, brother, sister, or love...


I have never felt so broken...

Guys... Girls...

I need some help...

I don't know if I have the bravery to fight.

The bravery to get up and fight for my life and my safey

for the lives and safety of my friends.

I am not off to war. I am not off to battle cancer.

I am off to combat my past... Come back to haunt me.

I'm a sneak by nature. I lurk and hide in shadows,

If I were to be a character on television...

I would be the assasin or killer from the streets.

You know? The one that people 'in the know' simply

shudder to hear the name of? That would be me.

I second glance and second guess every thing,

I will lie or lash out violently perfectly when threatened,

And I will not get caught. I was trained to live as such.


Outright blatant Bravery is foreign to me...
But I have to do what I can to keep my friends safe... 

I'm just terrified that I won't succeed...

Because if I don't...

I will be the one shuddering at their fates,
which I could have prevented if I had only done my job better...

RIP Amy Lumos

You will forever be in the hearts of all your loved ones.

"The pain we feel at this dreadful loss reminds me reminds us, that while we may come from different places and speak in different tongues...
OUR HEARTS BEAT AS ONE."

~Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore
♥♥♥♥

We will never forget, promise.
From a caring admin named
⚡Fleur

BREAKING RULES
Chapter Four...:

I sat there in shock for a moment. His question had struck me to the core. The question I would have never imagined he'd ask.

I saw the look of anxiety on his features, the worry in his eyes; as I finally looked at him for the first time since we'd really started the conversation.

I smiled at him. Not the fake one I pulled at Paul. A genuine smile of true, genuine happiness. "You're kidding, right Mish?"

He looked in sorrow at the ground, standing. "No... I wasn't... I knew it... I'm sorry..." He said as he turned to walk away.

"Mish no!!" I exclaimed, "Come back over here!"
"Why?" he asked, "I know now... Don't pretend anymore for my sake. You've got Paul, and your rules..." He went of muttering.

"MISHA!" I yelled, "Listen! I do! You're being stupid!"
"But you said yes to him..."
"Because I thought you'd never let yourself like me Mish..." I murmured looking at my feet.
 
He stared at me. Shock written all over his face. "You're not kidding?" he asked.
"Not a bit..." I said to my feet.
"I wish Paul hadn't been here-" He began, but was interrupted by Andy and Dan clamoring up the steps. 
"Awwww sibling moment!" Andy cooed, ever the oblivious one. 
But Dan, Paul's best friend, saw. He knew. I saw him figure it out. Realization dawned on him as he watched Misha and I glance at each other. His eyes wide for a moment, then glaring the next. 

We walked down the steps. Misha and I walking together like usual, with Dan watching us from behind. We whispered to each other, figuring it all out.
"What now?" I said.
"Paul?" Misha asked.
"I'm going to." 
"When? Soon?" he pushed.
"Of course. What after that?" I responded.
"Good. And then we can hook up until it's clear?"
"Whattaya mean?" I wondered.
"Clear to date without the gossip about you breaking up with Paul for me and that whole crap."
"But that would be the truth...?" I said in confusion.
"Doesn't mean we need the rumors." He said, nudging me to end the whispered conversation due to Dan hovering trying to eavesdrop.

Soon, we all went our separate ways. To our assorted and varied homes and sleepovers. Little did I suspect at the time just how hectic the next day would be for me and Misha...

BREAKING RULES
Chapter 3...:

Ryan and I laughed and joked together all night that night. And nearly every day both in school and not.
We had mutual friends, so whenever everyone hung out? We ended up seeing each other anyway! No 'guys night' or 'girls night' because my friends usually include me in the guys night,and the girls and I aren't close. 

So on the outside, it looked like an ideal High School relationship. Fun, teasing each other, making out, last minute homework, hanging out with friends. But to me at least, it was a nightmare from the minute I said "yes" that night.

Misha, my best friend I was in love with, shared all the classes I did with Paul, and we hung out every day after school. Every party, every library trip, every detention. Misha or Misha and Paul were there.

Absolute agony. My head ached at the mere sight of the two of them in the same room with me. And what's worse? My solution was to go to a party with Misha. Turns out Paul got invited too...

I drank. They were both there, I was stressed. I don't know how much I was having, I lost count.

I wandered around the apartment we were at with Paul. We made out, I know we didn't get to third base, because I remember one of the few things I could think about was Misha right in the next room... Probably hooking up with some girl.. It was killing me.

Ryan left earlier. He wasn't that drunk, so he didn't have to worry about his parents finding out like the rest of us. I was relieved. I sprinted through the apartment.
"Mish!? Misha!" I called out everywhere.
Finally someone answered, "He went walking around town with Ashley and Neesha!" 
Panic. I only remember panicking. I felt my eyes go wide, I knew I had to tell him. I had to tell him that night. The alcohol pumping through me was telling me I had to.

I flew down the 3 flights of stairs and out into the street. I ran to the first place I knew he'd be if they were hooking up or just hanging out, the roof of the bank.
I practically leapt up the stairs to find him, tell him that I loved him, that I had to break up with Ryan.

He was there. Alone. Lying on the roof. 
Relieved, I slid down to him. "Whattaya doing here?" I asked him.
"Just thinkin'. Why're you here?" He said without looking away from the sky.
"Whatcha thinking 'bout?"
"Stuff!" he replied laughing.
"Oh really?!" I laughed with him, looking to the stars and sky like he was, "Well if you tell me, I'll tell you why I'm up here!"
"Fine then!" He chuckled, "it's kind of important to me though!" His face suddenly serious.
Worried, I said "Mish! It's me!" I grinned, "If it's serious to you, I won't make fun!" I let my countenance become a bit solemn as well, "Promise!"

He looked at me finally. His dark eyes looking into my lighter green-blue ones. "Why do you wear your contacts?" He asked me.
"'Cause I always have!" 
"But I like your eyes! I like them this color too. But I think I like the other colors better." He paused and nodded, as if to confirm his thoughts.

I was about to reply when he continued: "I'm thinking about this girl... I like her. Alots. And... I may be coming to love her. But... There's no way she'd love me back. We're too good friends to risk stuffs like that."

I was saddened greatly. I knew it couldn't be me.
"Well, she's an idiot! She must be stupid not to see what anyone smart would!" I replied, trying to be supportive staring upwards. I knew if I looked at his eyes at least one tear would fall.
He paused. "No.. She's not... But what do you see! You're smart yeah!"

I thought for a second, my mind suddenly clear of anything but honesty. "Well. I see a guy who is confident enough to put his music out there to his peers. A guy who doesn't let people show when they say things that hurt him because he knows people look to him to be strong despite the words. I see a guy who is pretty hot, and my favorite person in the world. The most honest guy I've ever met."

I felt his eyes on me as I kept staring at the night sky. "But if she sees all that like you say... Why doesn't she like me?" 
"Do you know she doesn't? Have you asked her yourself?" I inquired.

"No.. But I think I will!" out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small shy smile light up his face.

We were quiet for a moment. And then came the question I'd half dreaded, half wished for after a month and a half of dating Paul. 

"Do you feel the same as me El?"

BREAKING RULES
Chapter 2...:
I was on the way to the town movie theater with Danny, Paul, Misha, and Alex; all guy friends of mine. While we were walking, Paul pulled me off to the side, and we walked behind everyone else.
"Hey how's it going?" he asked me shyly.
Teasing, I answered: "pretty slow. Snails could beat us to the movie theater at this pace!"
He laughed, I smiled. We kept walking.

"So... How are things with Brad?" he asked about my crazy most recent ex boyfriend.
"Over, done, and I've heard nothing but radio silence from him," I replied, "Just how I like him." I rolled my eyes to prove how annoying I thought Brad was.
"Well! That's interesting" Paul said.
"Why?" I asked, curious, but knowing what might be coming next.
"Well..." He began, "If you are most definitely single...I can as you out right?"
"You could, in theory!" I countered smiling.
"Well, I think I might!" He declared, "Do you want to go out with me? Be my girlfriend? All that good stuff?"

I laughed, even though I was panicking. What about Misha... I thought to myself. But I glanced at him walking ahead; not a care in the world, clueless to how I felt. It's better this way, I told myself. 

I looked back at Paul's questioning face, "well you see!" I smiled, "After much deliberation, the council has come to a decision!"
"Oh? Have they? What is this decision?" 
"Yes" I said, grinning as the wind blew my red-blonde hair in front of my face.

I was grinning... Yes. But inside? I was close to tears because of what I'd just done.