You are so beautiful, more than you could ever imagine.
+ Friends, family, music, shopping, food, taking pictures.
- Fake friends, people being mean, people acting like they care.
Comment on my profile if you want to talk, or just need a friend. I could use a friend too.
You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Don't believe me? Try this:
Compliment other people. Seeing other peoples beauty means that there is beauty in you. Seeing happiness in somebody means there is happiness in you, even if you can't seem to find it quite yet.
Pitbull, Carly Rose Sonenclar, Taylor Swift, One Direction, Demi Lovato, Skillet, Switchfoot, We The Kings, Ed Sheeran, Britney Spears, Phillip Phillips, Imagine Dragons, Lady Gaga, Eminem, Will.I.Am, etc.
my friend that's trying to lose weight goes running every tuesday and thursday evening, about 2 miles. you can definitely start at a lower amount.
Good luck. ♥
but make sure you keep your back strong by exercising that too other wise you will get serious back problems, i hope i helped x
The first thing that jumps out at me is your use of paragraphs. The lack of them to be more exact. Now while you may say that because it's the same speaker you don't need to go to a new line you forget that you also go to a new paragraph when the subject changes slightly.
Your construction of sentences is a little off too. Instead of [The people in the audience had jaws dropped, so I looked away. Hiding my tears.] you could put [The people in the audience had their jaws dropped so I looked away to hide my tears.] The 'Hiding my tears sentence', yeah, that's not a sentence to be left on it's own.
My main note, keep an eye on your tenses. You've gone to [I looked away] to [I know what they'll ask] I'll make my corrections in past tense because that seems to make the story flow.
The first passage of speech you've used here is rather confusing. Who's speaking? Is it the main character? How are they saying it? What are they speaking about? I'd suggest putting something like 'I concluded' or something at the end so it flows better.
There are a couple of spelling errors like [knw] which should be [know]. Also, no one says '&' they say and. Make sure you remember that. It's like when someone says a number, it's not ["8!" she called.] it's ["Eight!" she called.]
One sentence which sounds a little confusing is this one. [But I know what they would ask, their thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer.] Maybe you meant to use a semi-colon here or something. [But I knew what they would ask; their questions and thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer] would make a tad more sense. But still, it's something you may want to revise on.
["WHO?" My mind wandered everywhere, deciding who to call on. So I called on him, and he spoke calmy, "who?" I questioned whether to respond for a moment, but I did. I spoke into the microphone, "my dad..." Hands went down and tears began to stream. NO more hiding the past & the truth...] This bit confused me the most. Maybe instead of [So I called on him] you make a more accurate description of the person. Who is he?
All in all, I can see what you're trying to do here and I understand the amount of effort you're putting in but do try to make it so anyone could understand it. It's a good story, it really is, but it's ever so confusing. And you really do have potential to get better at writing.
I had a go at correcting some of the mistakes on this Google document so if you'd like to have a look at what I'm going to be pushing for you to get at then please take a look.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19yswxo6JcYJoT2KJQGomcbzPYdH5knscFOH85SrhX5M/edit?pli=1