my life is falling apart, i honestly don't care if you read
this or no, i'm not making it pretty for you to fave and what
not, i just really need someone to actually know me.. the real
me.
I really don't have any true friends, they all use me. I've
only had one true bestfriend in my entire life, alyssa hope. we
don't really talk anymore because we moved away and stoppped
talking until recently. i have some major trust issues, i
can't ever get close enough to people before i start pushing
them away. it's just always been like that, too many people
come in to my life and have never stayed long enough and it
wasn't my choice so by me pushing people away i guess i feel
like i can finally control my life. buuuut anyways, my
'bestfriend' we don't talk, i text her to hang
out, nothing. i call her, she ignors my calls. i see her in school
and she put on a fake smile and says hi and that shes sorry she
didn't text me back. which i know is all bullcrap. i really
miss having my bestfriend, the old allie. the one that used to stay
up all night laughing with me. the one i met in fourth grade. the
one that doesn't ditch me to go to alexis' for the weekend.
i need a bestfriend too, one that i can have. i'm tired of
sharing her. i put in my headphones and just say that i hate
people and that im tired, i'm tired of 'being tired'
i'm so depressed, it's not just allie, it's not ever
being good enough to do anything, i no good at the sports i like, i
can't get good grades, it's like everything i do is never
good enough for anyone, not even me. i beat myself up over the
littlest things.. but no one would know cause i just play it off
like it's nothing.. ohhh i failed that test whatever. but
it's eating away at me, i don't know how much longer i can
take it. i've thought about suicide, i know deep down i could
never do it, i would never be able to leave my little sister with
that burden, she is the only reason i know i would never ever do
it. I could just move away to my dad's no one knows me there,
start over maybe have a better life? but what would that do for me
or Ashlee, i'd just be runnign away and she'd continue to
grow up confused. BUT i guess i'll live. Today is my 17th
birthday, my one and true friend alyssa called me to wish me a
happy birthday.. i haven't talked to her in years but she
called at midnight, i can tell you right now she is going to be the
one that will let me cry on her shoulder, she's comming over to
celebrate my birthday with my family. Allie probably doesn't
even remember it's my birthday, i doubt i'll get a facebook
happy birthday from her, ohhh yeah i deleted her a week ago and she
stilll hasn't noticed.. well, F@#! her, i know who i can reliy
on when i need someone and it's not her, if you did read this
thanks, it's a lot i know and it's pretty much me just
rambeling on and on, but i can't keep it botteled up any more,
<3