Joined: September 27, 2010
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for one scar less

Quotes by justkiddiing

In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper
You see me move back and forth between both
I'm trying to find a balance
I am sad
I feel that the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve
I am bored and dissatisfied with everything
I am a complete failure as a person
I am guilty,
I am being punished
I would like to kill myself
I used to be able to cry but now I am beyond tears
I have lost interest in other people
I can't make decisions
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't think
I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust
I am fat I cannot write
I cannot love
My brother is dying, my lover is dying, I am killing them both
I am charging towards my death
I am terrified of medication
I cannot make love
I cannot be alone
I cannot be with others
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
I need to confort my own weakness
some days I'm the weakest,
and others the strongest
these days are the longest
and I've got the weirdest feeling about this
To be honest all the love I give
is only about me
you are just the temporary home 
I stall all my love, overload and overwhelm you
but don't worry it will find a new place soon
you can keep some
but it's only just enough to make you keep comming back
keep wanting that rush, you're not gonna get

I do not love you because you're pretty
or smart or sencitive or sweet
I love you because you are there
because you are imperfect
because you are something I can leave
I was never good with becomming one
with a body of any kind so I can leave
so I can complain, so I can pretend
like I'm anything but a nomad

I can't carry all this love
so I hand it out
but don't give it to yu
it's all still mine
to take away with me

it hapened when I was young
still developing as they call it
so it's easy to take it as blame
to take my trauma and name it
my creator, my genisis
because it has made me the strong woman I am 
today, right? made me survivor.

made me miserable to be honest
made me crazy. Made me say no
to drinks and parties and men
made me mad, made me vengeful
made me the match to the gasoline
the lade in the river, overflowing
too much rain
mostly it made me scared
of dark and men and myself
of power, of currency, of expectations

broke me, really broke me
and made me stand up without feet
made me walk and run without feet
made fun of me as I fell without feet
until I walked, and then grew feet
then made me strong. Made me survivor
made me example of survivor
good survivor

I would have walked
if I never lost my feet
I would have been strong regardless
there is no creator but myself
I had to learn again
to lose the mad and gain compassion
to become the flower instead of the dager
the smile instead of the punch
but I got there regardless

What do you do when your entire healing process
feels like the beginning of a murder ballad?

I realized that what he had done was not right
in the middle of the night in some faraway June.

I somehow fell asleep after that. Woke up
the next morning, the floor below me

trembling, a kitchen knife in my hand
for a split second. There isn’t a way

for me to be honest and tell you
I haven’t ever wanted revenge

at the same time. I do remember his full name,
but I do not say it out loud. I scrubbed

any evidence of him out of me, 
and now I reek of Good Survivor.

I am not supposed to fantasize 
about dropping a lit match in his jeans.

I am not supposed to have imagined
my fist lodged in his Adam’s Apple.

So what does that make me? On his level?

Too angry? A girl in a song only preparing herself

to be left in the water? But I don’t think 
I’m as hungry as I’m making myself out to be.

The truth is: if I ever saw him on the street, 
I would cross to the other side and hide myself

in the nearest shop. That doesn’t mean
I still haven’t woken up every morning

thinking God has left a weapon in my hand
in hopes of the river inside of me

finally flooding.

it's been six weeks since I last saw you
but this week you'll be with me 
for a very short time
only to leave me again

and I tried to get over this feeling
of needing you while you don't
need me
I text my ex boyfriend and cancel the date
last minute 

accepting that at least for now
my heart is stuck with you
so I google "how to be so good in bed
so he won't leave"
I get tips on how to give head
not how to get in his head

it will always be like this
because my brain is a nomad
but my heart settled while you
are not that into me
so I'll play the part
of being available always
and smiling for the scraps you give
until your or my heart
decide to change
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