justkiddiing

My life is authum

My life is fall
ing and it's waking up uncertain
of what weather it will be that day

my life is fall
ing and the wind is strong
er than my spine 

my life is fall
ing and I'm scared
of the winther that will come

my life is fall
ing and the leave
s are changing 
me 

your body, your mouth, your heart,
made specifically for loving.
sometimes the things we love, will kill us,
but weren’t we dying anyway?
                          -warsan shire

A love letter to myself

Do not kill yourself
because you're dying anyway
there is no reason to speed up that proces
and the world is a better place
with you

Yes I know, I remember
all the times you broke your own heart
over things and people
who may or may not care
how much you hurt

I know that sometimes you
want to lie down and
blame yourself for all the pain
you're not wrong but you're not helping
get the tea, get a bath, forgive

and maybe one day you won't
make those mistakes again
and maybe you do but learn to fall
but first let's focus 
on getting back on your feet

he tells you
you have a hole
that needs filling

he tells you that it won't hurt to much 
and will sedate you
before he starts
drilling in the hole in your
tooth

he makes it bigger
gets a good look
says everything will be fine
and then covers the whole up
again

like it's still your same old
tooth
like you're still completely
yourself

he tells you it will hurt for a few days
but everything will be better
and reminds you to
brush your teeth
so they can be pretty
when you dare to expose them
again

Falling in love with you was a kind of melting, and
falling out of love with you wasn’t at all like rebuilding
ice cubes out of fog, but rather
evaporation, condensation, and then the rain
once more.

My heartbeat keeps me awake at night
and I don’t understand what language it speaks in so
I put a stethoscope over my chest and plug
it into my laptop, 
but Google Translate
still hasn’t found how to translate water into words,
or an ocean into a novel 
about the back of a whale’s throat.

The heart
is never as simple as a one-liner.

The heart 
is a burning shipwreck under four thousand layers of sea.

What I’ve come here to do tonight is this — 
salvage what I can from the wreckage
so that I can rise again, like a phoenix, into my own
skin.

I touch you and my heart undergoes the water cycle.
Evaporation and condensation, and then
always,

this rain.

I don't want you to clip my wings
again
but I don't want to end up alone
again

And he is a really smart man
and handsome too
so why would I end up 
again
with a guy like you?

Because I'm a silly girl
and we go for what we think
we deservve
and with a self esteem like mine
I should pick you all the time

but
I've flown away with him once
and he said he loved the way my wings
reflext the sun
as if they where not all black
as if I belonged in that sky
and there I tought
I really want to make him mine
 

it's all on the outside
it's scooped out
like a tap on my pinky toe
that keeps leeking
or a wound in my chest
that won't stop bleeding

I keep trying to put the things back
where they belong
hug friends that are no longer friends
kiss lovers that are no longer lovers
watch and rewatch and read and reread 
hold and rehold 
never let go, never let go
of me

I ask people to never let go of me 
because I'm not keeping myself together
I ask them to stay
so they can rememeber what I look like
when I forget my own face again

I'm hollowed out
like a gutted fish
it's no wonder that I don't even know
if I still have a reflection

I always write when they have left
because then the story is over
because then I can tell it

so you got lucky
I got the diseases you cursed to me
you got the misery you wanted to create

and I have no foul taste in my mouth
when I call your name
and named someone else my treasure

things turned around
and we never hated each other
but it was no love

And yet again
I write about the boys
that came back
the ones that proclamed
themselves men
then left
and came back
like the ocean

I love the ocean
It brings me back
to the times that I
was still a child
still playing
but I'm losing
sight of the shore
have I been here before?

I'm leaving the beach now
can't ask the tiny rocks
that crumble under my feet
to support me anymore
it is hard to stop
loving the ocean
but I have to carry
my own weight

somehow

my morning ritual

go to the toilet
remove all clothing
if I posible remore skin hair eyes or limbs
weigh myself
hate myself

look in the mirror
brush teeth
comb your hair
aply creme
hate myself

take the asma medication
take the anti anxiety meds
take the antidipressants
take the allegry meds
eat something to lessen the side effects
hate myself

put on the underwear
and the pants and the bra and the top and
and the smile
put on the smile
but still
hate myself

It's been a while
but I found a home
there's a shower and stove
and a bed that fits only one

I will deal with the mold
I wil deal with the rodents
To be honest I brought them here
Because I was too scared of being alone

but it's mine now
I've made my descision to stay
The only thing I shouldn't do 
is wander out the door

again