justkiddiing

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Joined: September 27, 2010
Last Seen: 3 years
user id: 126598
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Quotes by justkiddiing

When I am sad
my mother sends me apples 
my friends send me booze

I'm hangover in somebody's bed
my mother toldme to keep hydrated 
I'm clenching my thirst in the wrong wells

the answer is right there
but I'm not ready yet to accept that mistakes
are sometimes only that

I am sorry, I am
for my mom, for not listening
for myself, for not being smart

I'll keep passing up the apples
and I take beer over water
but when I lie in the gutter 

I still know the answer
It's right there
If I'd write people into orans
you would be my breasts
I complain about them all the time
they make things more complicated
and I've threatened to get them removed 
more than I've ment it

if I'd write people into animals
you'd be a kitten
I'd climb threes to get you out
you'd get in all the wrong places
and I'd still buy gifts
make sure you don't go to the neighbours

if I'd write people into emotions
you'd be depression
a desructive compagnion
people keep telling me to just leave
but it feels like all I've got
and all I deserve


i hide my cowardice
with compassion and say
‘i’m just being kind, 
you could be with a normal girl
with a quiet laugh
who reads magazine like scripture
and lives down your street’. 
We emotionally manipulated one another
until we thought it was love.

So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.

Well, isn’t that comforting?

If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

“You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
I remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale” 
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day.”
if they hate all life
and look in your direction
do not yell or point
to another and say
they've got a heatbeat
take them! take them!

if they're after you
because of you are breathing
hold your breath when they pass by
but never forget
how the air flows in your lungs

if they keep you prisonner
because of your ideas
remember it's better to die living
then to live in death

i tried to love

the hell

out of him

thinking that my light

could ever

ignite his

was the dumbest

and bravest

thing i’ve ever done

the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

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