justkiddiing

sunshine all the time makes a desert

arab proverb

i heard they sell happiness in a bottle

I am friends with a giving tree, and he is surrounded by girls asking for twigs and leaves. He cries at the pain when some of his bark snaps off, but only on the inside; he dares not complain to those he loves. He turns to me for help. He hurts, but what can he do? He loves those who hurt him, and those who hurt him love him back, even if it's selfish love. I sit under his shade, though spotty it may be for lack of leaves, to help think of a solution of any sort, but I can't think of any consolation save one: I give him a branch of my own.

xxx

It’s weird being tired and empty after having grasped something that much more resembled happiness. I sit in front of blank pages, the blue lines twisting and twirling together into Celtic knots that my eyes can’t follow, my head devoid of words. Sometimes feelings bubble up inside of me, but they are just passing winds that whisper sweet nothings in a language I only once knew but have since forgotten. Thoughts come and then go with the breeze, unintended meditation that comes without the relief, and they take with them my command of words so all of them fall flat. Whoever I am doesn’t seem to be here anymore.

I didn’t learn how much it costs to raise a kid or what an affidavit is, but I spent days on what the quadratic equation is: negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac over 2a. That’s insane; that’s absolutely insane. They made me learn that over basic first aid or how to recognise the most deadly mental disorders or diseases with preventable causes or how to buy a house with a mortgage, if I could afford it, because abstract maths was deemed more important than advice that would literally save thousands of lives. But it’s cool, because now I could tell you if the number of unnecessary deaths caused by that choice was prime.

Proud vegetarian. :)
Four years worth ♥

I know, I've heard it already...
That you "Could never do 'that'"
and how everybody suddenly wonders what my protein intake is.
If I take vitamins or not.
And no, I do not miss eating any of those murdered angels.
No, I don't eat seafood either.
Nope, not even shrimp.
I know, "Do you eat enough? Are you still hungry?"

The truth is...
You don't want to do it, because you don't put your mind to it. You push it aside, or ignore the fact these innocent lives are taken away and the horrible ways of doing so, or you just "don't feel like it."
I have enough protein. 
I am vitamin-filled.
I do not ever wish to eat another sweetheart as I used to, four years ago.
Even the sea creatures. :)
Any of them. ^
I eat enough, I am fulfilled. I am full.

I am happy. I am proud. I am not bloated, as such eating meat or seafood would make me.. I am balanced. I am a vegetarian. I am strong. I made the difference. ♥
 

I am better than who I once was: happier, more full of life.

                                   I hope that that feeling stays. 

My past will haunt me, that I am sure.. but I will endure.

There’s a small cardboard box in my brain: a special one, where I can forget everything I put in there, so it doesn’t kill me from the inside. It works beautifully and holds all of the woes I want badly enough to hide from myself. I can live from day to day without fear of my self-manufactured toxins. There is one problem, though, which lays in its integrity; it is made but out of cardboard. My secrets and fears are a dense fluid, making the cardboard sag at its middle and darken with saturation, and sometimes it trickles out in a small stream from the box’s open corner if I don’t pay attention. It leaves scars on the floor that burn my eyes, but I daren’t more than whimper. I will save that for when I slip under its brown flaps one secret too many and its entire structure collapses, leaving me to just brace myself for the corrosion of all I could never stand to face.

xxx

Blank lined pages used to be my safe haven, where I would write down words and watch the world sort itself out. It is still like that, but not nearly the same. Now there are words that are better left unwritten; writing down words gives something of their kin somewhere in the universe power, and I'm not sure I'm always ready for that.

// I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU 
KISSED ME YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD
BEEN WANTING TO DO THAT FOR A
WHILE. I WONDER IF YOU THOUGHT THE
SAME THING WHEN YOU LEFT ME. //