i am standing in the middle of my
room
on a thursday night when it happens.
i
am in my underwear and i am done with
dancing like a fool and
then it hits
me
like a godd-mn wave and i
begin
to wonder why it can’t be real so it
can just
f-cking take me under in order for me
to
not feel the agony that courses
through
my veins in the moment.
he acts like i’m the most interesting
girl
he’s ever spoken to and he laughs and
i
swear there’s nothing more filling
than
the joy that starts to fill my throat. he
will
remember our old jokes and he’ll
bring
them up and i won’t be able to stop
thinking
about how f-cking much i don’t
ever
want our old jokes to go away. he
makes
me keep eye contact although i am
afraid
of getting lost again. but i am, i’m
already
in too deep and i’m lost in his eyes
and
frankly, this time, i’m not
scared.
i’m terrified. because i feel like
a live wire
that has been brought alive and i feel
as
if whatever the hell this all is, it’s
going to
end somehow and i know somehow i want
to see the end. regardless of how
painful
it’ll be, or hopefully, how beautiful
it could be.
i begin to realize that the start of love
is
so godd-mned awful and that the
beginning
is always better than the end. i swear i
was
floating when i realized that hey this
might
actually work out. but no, it
didn’t.
you will just turn and whisper to your
a-shole
of a best buddy and i’ll be the one
that goes
back to breaking the gaze first.
i’m alright.
it just might take a few more dancing
nights
alone in my room to realize that for
myself.
mhz