lasthope

Status: it's not that i don't feel the pain it's just that i'm not afraid of hurting anymore.
Joined: July 14, 2013
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 366089
Location: Seattle, WA
Gender: F
Hey, I'm Michelle. I'm five-foot-three and a big ball of screw up.

You Me At Six / Paramore / Linkin Park / A Day to Remember / Bring Me the Horizon / All Time Low / Fall Out Boy / Of Mice & Men

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Some of my poems have explicit words. You can read them if you'd like. Just a heads-up.

Hacksss::

I LOVE YOU MICHELLE <3 HEHEHE 

xoxo Brooke c: (brookeloves1D ~ugh I hate that username ~)


Aw thanks Brooke, your hacksss is appreciated <3

Quotes by lasthope

i am standing in the middle of my room
on a thursday night when it happens. i
am in my underwear and i am done with
dancing like a fool and then it hits me 
like a godd-mn wave and i begin
to wonder why it can’t be real so it can just
f-cking take me under in order for me to
not feel the agony that courses through
my veins in the moment.
 
he acts like i’m the most interesting girl
he’s ever spoken to and he laughs and i
swear there’s nothing more filling than
the joy that starts to fill my throat. he will
remember our old jokes and he’ll bring
them up and i won’t be able to stop thinking
about how f-cking much i don’t ever 
want our old jokes to go away. he makes
me keep eye contact although i am afraid
of getting lost again. but i am, i’m already
in too deep and i’m lost in his eyes and 
frankly, this time, i’m not scared.
 
i’m terrified. because i feel like a live wire
that has been brought alive and i feel as
if whatever the hell this all is, it’s going to
end somehow and i know somehow i want
to see the end. regardless of how painful
it’ll be, or hopefully, how beautiful it could be.
 
i begin to realize that the start of love is
so godd-mned awful and that the beginning
is always better than the end. i swear i was
floating when i realized that hey this might
actually work out. but no, it didn’t.
 
you will just turn and whisper to your a-shole
of a best buddy and i’ll be the one that goes
back to breaking the gaze first.
 
i’m alright.
 
it just might take a few more dancing nights
alone in my room to realize that for myself.
 
mhz
 
I’m not really good at anything. I can make
a damn good cup of coffee when I need to and
I guess I’m not half bad at being a b/tch; if anything
I found pride in how I was completely and totally
able to care for you the way that I did right before
that stupid Wednesday afternoon, really.
 
I can’t really tell you what your teachers thought
of your opinions. Maybe you really were bored to
death in that honors history class you took. I thought
that your history was always so much better, anyways.
 
But hey whatever, right? You always told me to chug 
right on and not let stupid actions that other people
did back in the day affect me. You said that you 
wanted to be gone in a heroic manner of sorts. You said 
that I should write myself a story that every person
would want to watch a re-run of my life of when I
was finally gone from where I am. Sure you’re no
try-hard religious martyr and definitely not a king but
oh my f/cking gosh you were a fighter, a good one too.
 
You thought people wouldn’t remember your history
when you chose to stop writing your future with every
breath that you took that Wednesday afternoon. You 
actually thought that I wouldn’t remember you.
 
I couldn’t believe a single thing that day when I finally
had the courage to re-watch and re-read your history.
Oh, h/ll. You were a fighter.
 
Sometimes I wished that you weren’t one, so that 
maybe I could justify it all and just think that you
didn’t really die with reason other than to be written
down in some book as a soul who chose to die
in hopes to honor their god.
 
I almost wish you were a stupid martyr sometimes.
 
mhz
 
i wonder if you think like that sometimes
when you knew that back when we were more 
than just two letters together and two people
but two souls in such a bittersweet love
i wonder if you ever knew that you had
so much control and power over me
 
you had me at hello but i never said goodbye
i’d miss my turn to play in a game
even if it was your kind of play
i found myself not minding becoming
your favorite abused chess piece
and i wouldn’t mind in the ball flew by
you had me right there
the place where you could forget me quickly
and the place where goodbye would be
like a tourniquet that would just cut me in two
 
but you play games
and i am a defensive team player
so i let you rip me right in two rather than
giving you the power to cut me in two
 
i never really liked your games 
but i always played them and pretended
that i loved them to pieces
 
because your games were a part of you
and i thought i was a part of you back then
i told myself
if i was a part of you and your games 
made up who you are than maybe i
am just another one of your games
 
mhz
 
i remember when i would say
simple and stupid sounding
three-word clauses to you
just to get the brief liberation
that i would feel were i
allowed to say those three words
 
     be good now
     you look good
     i am proud
     you’re so sweet
     you are perfect
 
i don’t deserve you at all
and i don’t want to kill you
by telling you those three words
 
you don’t need a f-ck up
right at your heels
 
you don’t need me
 
     i am sad
 
mhz
 
you wanted a lover
that had no strings
 
and i remember how
you did not care
that my father was diabetic
or that i 
was afraid of you
you did not care
that i loved you
 
you wanted me 
to love you somber
and kiss you rough
 
you wanted nothing
and you wanted me
without a single string
 
i obeyed you
and i loved you
with no strings
while i kissed you sweet
when you slept
and while i turned off
your alarm clock
in the mornings.
 
mhz
you told me to be
a loving soul and not a
broken hearted fool

seeing that i
am a death magnet

i am a broken hearted fool

and you never told me
to be a death magnet

in ways,
i guess i was somewhat
extrodinary for being
something other than
a loving soul

mhz
i wanted to be the girl
that made you go to bars
and drink yourself happy
simply because 
you were too heartbroken
 
not the girl
that made you go to bars
just to sit outside
and smoke a chain
of cigarettes
because you hurt too much
 
i wanted you to love me right
and to hurt me wrong
yet still miss me bittersweet
 
mhz
 
the sound of the rain
reminds me a bit of your
heart when you loved me

mhz
i am in love with you
(or least i thought i was)
 
the pain i felt
when the reality
of how much love i felt
for our memories
that were filled with love
hit me like a truck
 
i realized one night
as i rolled over 
in my now-and-still
empty bed
 
i was trying to bind you
right into the seams
of a book in which
you had written for me
 
fairytales cannot by true
especially when you 
were my prince
and you didn't come back
 
i tried to hold you tight
when i learned that
i love you, but only for
the stories you had written
for me to remember
 
mhz
 
 
 
i love you
love you
love you
love you

no matter how
i write it

you don't believe me

it doesn't matter
how i say it
and when i do

you never,
not once
listened to me
even when my lips
wrote those words
when my hands
sent them to you
and when my voice
uttered them
to you

you don't believe me

you never did

mhz