PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
Hospital .......
Please select from the following options
menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and
6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your
call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, nothing will make you happy
anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press
9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are
too busy to talk with you.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just
mess it up.