marisaa*

you just left. just gone with nothing just gone. you found someone else and i just dont get how that happened. i dont get why i wasnt good enough or pretty enough or funny enough. i just dont get how you could just leave someone and move on. its not even the moving on where its been six months without talking its like two days...you just left. you just said its over and left, how do you just walk away and not feel anything how could you walk away from something that you said was going to last forever. i keep living in the past and idk how to move past that. idk how to walk away too idk how to move on. its so sad that after i know you dont love me anymore. i still have hope. i wish i could just rip out my heart and feel nothing, i wish you felt all the pain and lonleyness i do. i cant wait till  i dont think about you everyday. i cant wait still i never have to see you ever again or cry over you ever again. i cant wait till i forget you even exsist, you just walked away from me you didnt fight for me or care about me. and i knew this was coming i knew it in the back of my mind that this was never going to last but once again i had that hope i had hope that you actually meant what you said and i hate that i feel like im the one that drove you away. which i probably did. but the things i said was out of anger. and i wish you had known that. i wish i could go back and not say you didnt care because you once did. but i know you don't now. you call this love this isnt love, it never was, love never dies and you put out the flame. you let it go by without trying to relight it. you pushed me away and i thought thats when you needed me the most and i was there but in reality i wish i had walked away when i had the chance. i wish i walked away the first time you hurt me, i wish i could forget everything we had because it hurts so much to think that you have moved on when i was still trying to love you. i wish you had realized how much you hurt me, i wish you tried making it all better, but you didnt. and i think thats what hurts so much. that you hurt me but said it was a mistake and that we were forever but then you just left, like you told me you wanted to make this work that we were going to college and getting mairred and having children but then one day you just decided it was over and that it wasnt me anymore. that i wasnt good enough for you anymore. i keep repeating myself but it really does feel like its my fault maybe if i didnt yell at you you would have stayed but i also think that if you really loved me you would have stayed. but theres nothing i can do, i just hope i move forward quickly because i have tried not to cry every night for the past four months and i can't wait till i stop. i cant wait till i am in a good place with people around me that love me and even though you'll cross my mind every once in awhiile i hope i never go back to you. and even as i just wrote that i know i would i know i'd give you a thousand chances and i have no idea why. please marisa, move forward, stop looking back, please.

theres so many things running through my mind everyday when it comes to you. when it comes to putting you first for everything i did, thinking og you when you didn;t think of me putting my life on the line for someone that isnt oging to be there in the end idk how to feel anymore. idk who to talk to about anything because no one really cares to listen, they just wait to talk and tell me to move on but idk how to, idk how it got this far, idk why i love you somuch. i don't even think its love anymore because this hurts so much all the time. idk how i got this way idk why i can't stop hurting. idk why it wont go away or how to make it go away, i can;t stop thinking of how sad i am all the time and i cant stop cryng. i just want to cry all the time. i try so hard to hold it in in public and i cant wait to get home and just cry for the rest of the day. i put everything i ahd into something that isn't going to work. why do i have to go through this, idk how to put myself back together and stop crying i wish i could,  try to distract myself but i cant. is this what depression is? because i cant even handle it. like i really cant get over how hurt i am all the time, how people can just hurt you over and over and over again like you never even mattered to them. i wish i wasnt here anymore and i could leave and forget everyone around me because i cant be happy anymore, i don;t know how to focus anymore i don't care anymore. i cant stop crying. i just wish i could stop crying. idk how i got so deep because i cant get out.  cant even see the top anymore, i just feel like im going deeper and deeper down the hole and i'll never get out.

sometimes i wonder if we're going to be together forever, i mean we're only 17...its as if when we're together its perfect, well at least it used to be. i feel like we need some time apart for a change. i mean i hate being with you but i feel like you don't always want me there...everytime i try to make plans it gets messed up or something. i never know what to do or say to make you want me. i never feel like you want me. maybe not seeing you for a week might change the way you feel about me..idk.

its important not to give a f*** 24/7 when you're a girl in a relationship, actually probably in all relationships. honestly.as soon as you start to care, its like the person has a reaction of not caring. its insane but its true. why would anyone want to give up in a relationship. i can't tell if im loosing intrest in you or what. i don't want to loose intrest i want  you forever...why am i even acting like this... i have no idea.what made you not want this as much as me? did you loose intrest in me? maybe its not me, maybe its you.i dont know how to get you to want me anymore anthony, i need to know you're there for me and you're not. im tired of feeling like im not good enough, i want threre to be something there and theres nothing anthony, i feel nothing. i never thought i'd feel this way but i do. theres nothing that i can do or say that makes me believe that this is going to last. i feel like were too different but i can't tell if this feeling is perminit or if its going to go away. i cant tell anymore. i feel lost, like i can't tell you how i feel about anything because you never listen to me...i thought it was going to be just us. but its not..theres something between us and i can't handle it anymore. i can't talk to you about anything anthony, you're just not there. am i expecting too much out of you? or are you expecting too much out of me? you want me to drop everything and go see you to go here and there to see you whenever. anthony for once why can't you do that for me. why wont you drop everything to see me, to talk to me anthony just a simple hi in the middle of the day knowing that you're thinking about me. but theres nothing. i feel nothing. i can go to bed now without hearing your voice anthony. im over the fact that we will never be like we used to be anthony, i tried. i tried to make you want me anthony, but still theres nothing. i don't know how long i can keep this up before i completely loose it. im going insane. i think about you all the time and it drives me insane. i don't even know if one day ill wake up and have nothing there. no connection with you or maybe ill learn to look completely past everything, maybe. maybe not.

i want you to lay awake thinking about me
i want you to wonder where i am, why im not with you
i want you to want me like i want you
i want you to cry yourself to sleep thinking why im not there
this is getting so hard, i don't know why i am so miserable
i feel pathetic and broken
you don't even love me the same way you did before, i miss that
i miss the constant texting and talking for hours
i miss when you used to call me everynight and make me talk about your crazy day
what changed ?
i feel so lost, beause i don't know why i feel this way
is it me? is it you..i don't know what to do..
i need to focus on me anthony, i cant be thinking about you like this because ill go insane
i am insane..
i can't handle this all summer, i need someone to be there for me
you're not there for me, i dont want to sound crazy but its how i feel. im miserable.
why aren't you here right now, why don't you want to talk to me...
im not the most interesting person but i was before to you..
why did you or i change
why am i crying so much, anthony why aren't you here..
im done talking about it with you because you don't understand..you'll never understand
i love you too much if thats the case anthony, i could never be without
but, it seems as if i can't be with you either
its like im not even there sometimes to you..
you ignore me and you don't even notice, i can't help but think its my fault
you say im perfect, but why don't you want to talk to me anthony
im screaming to you and you can't even hear me
im not being dramatic
im gonna wait til you want me as much as i want you
i don't want to have to wait on you anthony, but i will if i have to
youre not listening to me at all. 
i wish you could see this
i wish you felt the pain i do right now as i type this out
i have to beg you to talk to me, when we do you don't even listen..why.
this isn't fair anthony, why don't you need me like i need you...
i've fallen too hard, i was afraid of this.
its my worst fear anthony, and im living it.
i hope this is just a phase, that i am going through
what do i need to do to get you to notice me...?
do i have to ignore you anthony? forget we're even together? do i have to fight with you to realize who i am?
do you even know who i am..because i don't even know
i do everything thinking about you
what im going to wear, do i look good enough to be standing next to you anthony?
i wonder if you think the same, i wish you could be me for a day
and wonder, think about you all day and wonder why you won't respond to me anthony
im confused..what did i do..
i can't handle this...

• click to see this quote •

if you could go back would you? would you change the way you said hello to that man, or walked right past someone who dropped something. would you change your attitude on a rainy day, make the most out of what is going on around you at that moment. or would you  stay the in  world,let it pass you by without realizing that you will no longer be here. do you want to leave a legacy, i do. i dont want to grow to be like you, or fight the way you do. i open my arms wide enough to fight the world in them. i gaze at the falllen trees and realize that i dont want to just be one of those fallen, never to return in peoples memories. i want someone to think about me everyday, know that i made a difference in someones life. i cant find that yet. i feel like the world is just too big around me, that i cant conqure the world in my arms with just two hands. i want to live on, breathe air and enjoy life. i dont want to sit here thinking about the worst in people. pointing out the flaws, the difficult decissons in life. i am here to live.

i cant stand the though of not being with him every single second of everyday. its hard to picture it without him, who will i call when i cant fall asleep, who's going to kiss me when im crying, whos going to hold when when im upset, its just all too much. i dont want to feel this way because i know one day its not going to be this way, one of us is going to go our seperate way, i dont want it to happen but i can feel it. i can already feel the dizzieness and nausa that comes with a heart break. im scared. im scared im becoming to close and he doesnt feel that way. i'd give anything to know he feels the same way. that all he can think about is me and how he wants to end his day holding my hand kissing me in public. im scared that this s going to end, and im not ready for that to happen just quiet yet. im truly falling in love with you.