Things just aren't going to work out for me, huh? I've been
single for two years, my last relationship was a joke and before
that I was with someone who I considered to be my soulmate. I am
about to graduate college and I met him when I was a senior in high
school. We have been broken up for three years and he still crosses
my mind everyday, even though we really don't talk. I was ready
to falll in love with my best friend at some point, but didn't
let myself fall because I was too scared, and it didn't matter
because he didn't feel the same way, so we don't talk
anymore because I emotionaly cannot maintain a friendship with him
that won't turn into anything more, my heart can't take it.
For the last year, one of my exes and I started being f/ck buddies,
because it was easy and fun and we didn't want to have
feelings. He went on to stat dating another girl without even
telling me, and I thought we were better friends than that. And now
last night, one of my best friends from high school confessed his
love for me, and we slept together because we were drunk and it
seemed right in the moment. He was looking me in the eyes telling
me he loves me, and I felt something in my heart that I haven't
felt in years, since I've been with the guy I thought I was
going to marry in high school. But when the sun rose and he had
time to process everything, he tells me that a lot of his feelings
are from years ago, that he doesn't think that pursuing us is
something that he can mentally handle right now. That his feelings
were once true, but that this was all in the heat of the moment.
And on top of that, I've just been aimlessly wandering on
Tinder for years, thinking that maybe if I just stick it out I will
end up meeting someone worth my time, but of course I'm wrong.
I don't know what to do and I have been immensely disappointed
time after time after time and I feel so lost. I haven't had
feelings for f/cking years and as soon as it seems like there's
a chance, it IMMEDIATELY disappears, just like that. It's as if
the moment I feel some kind of emotion, it's an automatic
"f/uck you" from life and I get crushed, every single
time. I don't know how much more patient I need to be, and how
much longer I have to deal with this until I can finally feel my
heart set on fire for another person again.