Andjela *

I still know you, even after all of this time. 

For the first time in a while, I am not bitter over you. I'm no longer angry with our fallout. You've been dating a girl for quite a bit now, and I'm honestly extremely happy for you. Just because I still love you, I have learned that I don't need to be with you. Not for now. And I've also learned that I can be happy for you, and wish you the best in your endeavors, without actually being a part of any of it. If being on the outskirts of each other's lives is what's supposed to happen for now, or for good, who am I to try to disturb that? I no longer fight the waves that will always continue crashing, instead I ride them out and enjoy myself. I may never be whole again, but at least I'm finally content with myself and our fate. 

You always felt inferior to me, therefore you were rarely happy for me because of my accomplishments. You were always bruting around my friends, and you never seemed like you enjoyed being around them. You purposely struck the lowest chord to hurt me, so you can get me back for the frustration I've given you. You were fragile, but when I needed you to be strong, I was being too needy. You didn't like it when I just listened to you, or when I decide to talk to you about my friends and their drama. You always reminded me of how you could easily cheat on me if you wanted to, since so many girls approach you. You were always the first one to try to move on and forget, and you were always the first one to crash and burn. 

I think I am always going to be there for him, I don't know why I even bother but it seems like I can't help it. Even when I say I don't love him anymore there is some kind of force gravitating me towards him, despite the circumstances. Like, he has a girlfriend now and he was in a relationship before and that doesn't stop me from thinking, "yeah, maybe you should try to let it go." And I don't know why, but I'm stubborn and I'm egotistical, and I genuinely believe he is searching for a feeling that is somewhat comparable to what he had with me, and he is going to keep settling and continue to be disappointed that these relationships aren't working out because those girls can be perfect 10s, have a perfect body and have a striking converation from time to time, but they are not me. Plain and simple. With this knowledge, I will love this man from a distance, and peacefully check in on him and quietly hope he's doing well and he's happy, but I know he thinks about me, I know he is doing the same thing, he just believes that seeng other girls will help, and it proobably does as a method of distraction. I don't mind not being the one he is actively trying ot be with now, because I know he wants to, but we're both not ready. I feel more confident now than ever that there will be another time for us someday, but we need to go out there and try different things. 

I'm coming to a point in my life where I just don't want anyone else there with me. I don't need it. I used to sit and wonder how on earth I could survive without my best friend, or some boyfriend at the time. And now I am here, perfectly content with the idea of being alone. Because being alone doesn't mean I am lonely. My nights are restless not because I don't have someone to sing me to sleep, it is because my thoughts are racing a million miles a second, and they scream. I do not isolate myself on purpose, nor do I feel left out. I used to be insecure and worried about whether or not my friends liked me, or if I appeared weird or obscene to all of the strangers who pass by me. Now, I just don't care. I don't want to be in a relationship because I know I am too self-absorbed and not patient enough to dedicate my time and energy towards another person who could very well just treat me like sh/t. All I ever wanted at some point was a boyfriend, I met the man I thought I was going to marry. And you know what really scares me sometimes? The fact that I successfully let him go. I check up on him occasionally but we have not spoken a peaceful word in months on top of months and I do not know if there is any more love in my heart for that man. And he was once someone who became my everything, and I would have died for him. Now, I am just repulsed by those kinds of relationships. I am suprised at the type of person i am becoming because I used to cling onto every relationship and friendship of mine with my whole,dear, naive life, and nowthe only person I have tolerance for is myself. I love it because I feel my independence grow more and more every single day. I am afraid that I am heading towards being truly heartless and cold, what I once aspired to be but couldn't achieve because I cared too much. I used to always care too much. And now? I feel very close to nothing at all. 

You used to tell me that everything would be alright, no matter what happened to us. We're destroyed, we've fallen apart, this is it. It's over, it's over, it's over. I'll be okay eventually when I forget how soft your hair felt in my hands, and how electrified our bodies were when we kissed. I'll consider myself alive when I stop believing that you still care, that you still stare at your phone wanting to contact me, and having to hold yourself bach from confessing all of the things I already know when you've had one too many drinks. I'll make it out of this when I stop looking you up and checking in on how you are and who you're with. I will be be "alright" when I can finally say goodbye, but dear, I don't think I'll ever be alright then. 

This is how I am going to live my life. This is how I will die. Day by day wishing I was in your f/cking arms, while you're in the arms of another. I don't even know if I cross your mind at all anymore. I thought I knew everything about you. But for all I know, you've been over me for a long while. While I am here dreaming of you every night. I am so lost. 

I've known you for 21 months now,  3 of which we were "normal" and happy and everything was perfect. We've been on and off, and fighting for 10 months after that. It's now been exactly 7 months of no communication AT ALL. But do you know how long I've been in love with you? 21 months. 

Well, that's okay. Young love rarely survives anyway. It was amazing while it lasted, right? Yes, and it was an extravagant, wretched love. There was love, there was hatred, there was passion, there was ignorance, there was fear, there was tension, there was struggle, there was success, there was trial and error, there was pain, there was laughter, there were tears, there were promises, there was blame, there was surrender, there was support, there was accompaniment, there was perseverance, there was inconsistence, there was life! There was reality. He lifted me up then dug me back into the ground. I haven't been able to stand for a while. There were so many moments of sparks and darkness, I don't know where I'm going anymore. He gave me strength. He gave me justice. He gave me a voice with no hope. He gave me love, but it was different. He gave me joy, and gave me shame. But it was love. It was powerful. It was a curse. It was ugly, yet beautifully stitched together with pieces of our lost minds and broken hearts.

Ever since I was a little girl, I could never sit still. I liked to destroy my toys and draw on my backpacks and eventually I found myself scarring my skin and my mental health, and that's when I knew I was never going to make this life an easy one.