Andjela *

Take me back to the time when I was wrapped in your arms and we were laughing to the point of tears. When we looked into each other's eyes, and we felt our worlds pause and mend together into one. 

He's becoming a stranger and I never thought that would happen. 

I am at a point in my life where I have already met and lost my soulmate, and this I am sure about. When he touched me, goosebumps immediately rose. Our minds were always in sync, and we believed we were lost souls before we found one another to call home. Everything fit perfectly, and he completed me like a missing puzzle piece. He challenged me and gave me the time of my life. I have never laughed, cried, or smiled harder with anyone else. But, it didn't last. A connection with that much intensity wears you out, it makes you weak, it changes you. It became so much work to maintain the relationship, not because we lost feelings, not because we were out of rhythm, but because we so intensely fixated on the wrong things. We felt this immense passion for one another but we forgot to take the other person in consideration for how to make them happy. 

A year ago, I wrote a very long letter elaborating upon how I knew you were my soulmate. There used to be so much love, and deeply warmhearted intentions. You made me laugh to the point of tears and enjoying your presence was effortless. We would talk for hours upon hours, and we were so captivated by one another. Looking into each other's eyes made our worlds stop, and join together, making us invincible for those moments. You protected me and I cared for you. That was all I ever wanted to do. I can trace back to every argument and every nasty comment and ever nasty action to deliberately hurt one another, but that doesn't mean I understand how things got to that point. I haven't spoken to you in months, and I know better, I know I shouldn't talk to you, but once upon a time, we were each other's most prized possessions. We never ever wanted to let each other go. And now we've moved on; you are with someone else, but I'm in no rush for another relationship. When people ask me if I truly loved you, I say 'yes' in a heartbeat. I've become the biggest fool on this planet because of how much I tried to make things work with you. All I wanted was for you to be mine, and for me to take care of you so you would want to be mine. And somehow along the way, we just f/cked up, a lot. It's sad, you know? There was so much potential I saw in us. I would go to bed every night and pictured living together during college, getting married and having a family. It all seemed so real to me, like it could really happen. I thought it would. I did everything I coud to be with you, and to love you with my whole heart, but there was so much in our way. It was us against the world, and we have forgotten how to work as a unit, so we were on our own. I don't let myself think of you often, and I certainly don't let myself cry over you, but when I see the way things have ended for us, and I still don't completely understand how things went so wrong, it severely frustrates me. You are the only man I have ever loved, and it is just a dull stabbing pain in my chest every day I remind myself that there is no more 'us' and there never will be. 

And maybe, just maybe, this is my chance to move on and finally let everything go. To let go of the tasteless fights and the pain I bore for months on months on months. To let go of the nights he made me feel absolutely worthless and told me this was my fault. To let go of what I stupidly believed was true love, because we so desperately wanted it to be so. To finally let go of him, and his toxic behavior that in the end only dragged me down. Maybe I can laugh again and stay up all night listening to love songs, thinking about someone else. I will dance the night away with them and make everlasting memories, and hopefully these ones won't ever haunt me. I can smile when I hear his name and not be afraid to show the world my feelings for him. Maybe this is the start of something new, something different, and something more wonderful than I have ever experienced. 

And now as I pack my bags, I start to realize that this will be the life I live. I will never find a home, I will never settle down. I don't want to stop keeping up with the world and its wonders. I know that goodbyes will recur, but I also know that they won't be painful. I'll be escaping reality one plane trip at a time, running away from all the drama and pointless conversations. That's a good life to live, to just go everywhere and learn more about yourself.

I'm so used to looking at myself and thinking: ugh, I don't think I could ever reach this so-called potential that everyone short of me thinks I have. I'm pretty sure this is all I got guys. Please stop expecting perfection from one of the more flawed people around here.

Is it cowardly to escape the things and people that bring me down? Or is it brave of me to go out there and do something no one else has the courage to? Is it selfish of me that I don't want to change for people just to satisfy them? Or is it finally giving myself the freedom to think how I would like to and be the person that I want to be? Where is the line drawn between fearlessness and selfishness? I don't want to keep changing myself in an attempt to please the people that, in reality, will never be pleased with me. I don't want to bring myself down and destroy my self esteem because I care too much. I don't want to hurt others so I can be "happy" with myself. I may be just as displeased with myself as everyone else is. But I want to leave, I need to see what I'm missing out on.
How is that selfish?

Sometimes, you just have to get up and shake the dust off and move on with your life. Unfavorable things will always cling onto you. It's your choice to feel irritated about it or not.