Let me tell you something about
Mitt Romney. We were best friends in middle school. I know,
right? It’s SO embarrassing. I don’t even…
Whatever. So then in 8th grade, I started hanging out with the
current Barack Obama who was totally gorgeous but then he moved
to DC, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I
would blow him off to listen to Obama speak, he’d be like,
“Why didn’t you support my idea?” And I’d
be like, “Why are you so ignorant of America’s
needs?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an
all-Democrats pool party, I was like, “Mitt, I can’t
invite you, because I think you’re a Republican.” I
mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party. There were
going to be Democrats there with their human rights. I mean,
right? He was a REPUBLICAN. So then his mom called my mom and
started yelling at her, it was so stupid. And then he dropped out
of politics because no one would talk to him, and came back in
the fall for the presidential election, all of his hair was cut
off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's trying to
make airplane windows roll down.