Fck. I have imagined everything I would say to you if I got the chance to say it, and now I don't even have the words. I guess I should just ask...are you really that sorry? I'm not. I refuse to apologize for anything I said, especially my last rant. You hurt me over and over again and I just stood by and took it, but I can't do that anymore. And truthfully, I wasn't the hardest puzzle to crack, I was the one thing you couldn't control.
I am sorry. That doesn't fix what I did and I wasn't trying to. I just wanted you to know I do realize what I did hurt you and I apologize for that. And I'm sorry you feel I wanted to control you because that never was the case.
I think I made it clear enough that you hurt me. And look, if this is you coming back to me begging on your knees, it's not happening. I can't play that game any longer Holly. I'm sorry.
It isn't. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry, if you don't accept my apology I understand. I know I hurt you. I wish I could go back and go about it a different way. I hope you find happiness, Jillian, I really do.
I just want to know what was running through your mind when you told him ues. I want to know why you didn't bother to tell me until I asked. I also want you to know that you are a giant effing hypocrite, because who was the one miserable when the online love of their life left them for someone irl, but then did the EXACT same thing to the one who they promised to love forever? Answer me that.
I don't remember what was going through my head... We hadn't talked in months and I know we promised we wouldn't move on but I did. I couldn't handle the online relationship anymore and that isn't an excuse but I couldn't stand it anymore. And it wasn't because I wanted to sleep with him, we've been together a year and haven't even done that yet. So please don't think that was it. I didn't tell you because I didn't know how to. I did love you. I just couldn't stay in s relationship where I couldn't talk to them whenever I needed them. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I should have and I regret how I went about it. I know I'm a hypocrite and like I said, I'm sorry.
Accepting apologies is the hardest part, and some part of me doesn't want to move on because to quote the ever lovely Alex Vause, "when you have a connection with someone, it really never goes away". I was unsure about it at first, but I really did care about you. Last year was rough for me and it was hard to be my own support as well as yours. I wish we would've met later in life because we would have been a helluva couple. Oh and two things....one- seven months clean BOOM two- guess who is going to be literally like thirty minutes from you this summer?
I'm proud of you and if it's you the good, I hope you enjoy your time spent here. I agree and wish we could have met later. If we had... Who knows what would have happened. I know being the support system is hard, you think very poorly of me but currently I'm the support system for everyone in my life which is having a very bad impact on me. But I'm surviving.
It is me! I'm going on a mission trip with my church youth group to Detroit (:
Anyways, back to the more serious stuff. I never thought poorly of you. I'm just angry beyond belief, but I know that you are an amazing person who deserves great things that I could never give you. I hope your man can give you everything you need and more, because I know you've literally been to he.ll and back and you deserve amazing things. Things have literally come full circle...I'm now the age you were when we met. It'll almost be three years. And I'm sorry I can't stay in your life, because you really are an amazing person, but I can't do long distance, especially with you, crazy girl :P
I don't want to say love you, but I'll at least say that I care about you a lot and pray that you have a better life down the road than the one you were living when we were together. You'll always have a place in my heart. And now I'm crying so...
Ohmygod you drove me up a wall that night but it made me laugh XD and whoo changing the topic again, but I turned in my schedule sheet...and I'm scared.
Nate had me reading the first book but it was too boring for me(barely any dialogue- I hate books with little dialogue) and I stopped and today he forced me to watch the first episode and got me fcking addicted-.-
We could always try going on Omegle and typing in something really obscure in interests...like purple hippos or something XD
But yeah I know what you mean.
Sometimes I wish we could've changed things...like I was sobbing after I told my mom, but I wish we could've gotten on Facetime so I could've seen you move one last time. I wish I hadn't waited so long to tell you the truth. I wish I had realized what a risky idea Facetime was. I just wonder sometimes...if things had changed, would we still be talking the way we used to?
Oh and I forgot to mention it, but Saturday was a year from our first Facetime. I still remember it clearly...going to Beautiful Creatures and then coming home to an empty house and being so excited. Gah I miss it...
Okay now I don't feel as bad.
But I still was never as good as you and I'll always feel bad for it. I...ugh. I'm not even going to go into it tonight because I'm already in a terrible mood but I know I was horrible to you Holly. You don't even have to deny it.
I will admit, some days you were terrible, I won't deny it. But you kept me alive, and continue to do so. It was never all bad. I think I knew all along I was falling for you, it just took you a little longer. Maybe that's why, maybe it was because we Jory took what we had for granted, maybe it was just because we didn't have enough time. But I know you will make up for it, one way or another. We have forever to fix whatever is broken.
I couldn't comment last night because I was on my computer but yahhhssss <3 I've kind of already planned outfits for our first pride and they are so fabulous XD
exactly. I could be crying in the corner and my best friend wouldn't notice until i told her i was upset. I hope things get better soon. You certainly don't deserved to get bullied :/
There's a senior week road trip somewhere in there...I swear I have this planned out. Or maybe you can come to prom with me *wink wink* btw, Dani said she'd totally fight you. Oh and we can get an apartment in Baltimore because Johns Hopkins is my dream college and we can take long walks along the harbor and have an aquarium date and gahh it will be perfect <3
Well there prom but I don't know if ill be able to come out. And then college I don't know if we will be going to the same one because I have a lot of college dreams here but I guess I could change them. And I don't exactly want to stay in Michigan but I don't exactly want to leave. I don't know where I want to live yet but I know that's something we need to figure out together.
I'd like to live somewhere where it's not so cold but I want snow. And I don't want to leave my family. If something bad happens and I'm not here... That happened to my uncle mike when my papa died and he is still a mess from it
I don't even know how I'm going to deal with my family. Like honestly after all the crap they've given me, I'm ready to walk out but at thesame time idk...
Baby I know this is kind of random but where do you want to go to college? I'm just planning and idk...
I want to go to Hopkins (it's about an hour from me and has THE best biomed program in the country) but I've also been looking into Northwestern, Penn State, or University of Michigan because they all have good biomedical engineering programs as well. The last two would put me close to you but idk...
It doesn't matter. I would have to get a dorm for it and I won't have that kind of money. I don't want a lot of debit when I get out of college, and if you have debit that's fine, I just don't that doubled. I've long since given up on my dream college, it's not a big deal.
I've been using this since September on the computer and nothing has come up. By the way if you haven't seen it yet... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ItBvH5J6ss watch itttttt and cry <3
Kind of crappy. We had a snow day which is good because I still have the flu and felt like crap. But recently I started having a really bad anxiety attack and I didn't know why which brought on ANOTHER anxiety attack on top of the first and they are still kind of going on. Yours?
Well it was good and bad I guess. We had a two hour delay and that was good. But on the other hand I spent the morning arguing with my mom. Algebra 2 wasn't bad and honestly I think this is sad but it's my favorite class this semester. I built a car in FOT, but then in gym I started getting really bad anxiety. I know no one in the class and I'm always left out when we do partner work or make teams and ugh. But on the good side, my mom signed me up for summer camp and I have a potential part-time job lined up at my friend's family's creamery (free ice cream and time to hang out with my friend...win for me). But yeah idk...it kind of sucks without you.
I may or may not be planning a surprise for you for Valentine's Day...and you know how evil I am, I'm telling you a few weeks in advance so you have to wait and guess what it is XD
It isn't. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry, if you don't accept my apology I understand. I know I hurt you. I wish I could go back and go about it a different way. I hope you find happiness, Jillian, I really do.
Anyways, back to the more serious stuff. I never thought poorly of you. I'm just angry beyond belief, but I know that you are an amazing person who deserves great things that I could never give you. I hope your man can give you everything you need and more, because I know you've literally been to he.ll and back and you deserve amazing things. Things have literally come full circle...I'm now the age you were when we met. It'll almost be three years. And I'm sorry I can't stay in your life, because you really are an amazing person, but I can't do long distance, especially with you, crazy girl :P
I don't want to say love you, but I'll at least say that I care about you a lot and pray that you have a better life down the road than the one you were living when we were together. You'll always have a place in my heart. And now I'm crying so...
I miss you baby.
:P
And this is off topic, but remember that night you took the pain meds and got all loopy? XD
Cersei is like no just no.
I wish we had somewhere to talk besides on here...because I'm tired of *cough* reading.
But yeah I know what you mean.
Oh and I forgot to mention it, but Saturday was a year from our first Facetime. I still remember it clearly...going to Beautiful Creatures and then coming home to an empty house and being so excited. Gah I miss it...
And you remembered my favorite color
But I still was never as good as you and I'll always feel bad for it. I...ugh. I'm not even going to go into it tonight because I'm already in a terrible mood but I know I was horrible to you Holly. You don't even have to deny it.
no one died.
I'm in quite a bad mood this morning so maybe it would cheer me up.
I want to go to Hopkins (it's about an hour from me and has THE best biomed program in the country) but I've also been looking into Northwestern, Penn State, or University of Michigan because they all have good biomedical engineering programs as well. The last two would put me close to you but idk...
See everyone needs a friend/girlfriend like you.