I'm
not fine. I'm not just tired. Everyone has a breaking
point, and sometimes I think I have found mine. Somedays I get
so frustrated, I just want to break down. Cry. Scream. Punch.
Kick. But I know that I can't do any of that. It would be
damaging. I hate confrontation. I hate when people feel sorry
for me, but somtimes I crave it. I know that's messed up,
but it is how it is. People see me at school, usually laughing
and smiling. That's because at school I'm happy being
surrounded by my friends. Yeah, I'm happy at home and
everything. I love my family more than anything. But it's
just when I'm at home, I want to be alone. Because when
I'm alone, I know there won't be fighting. I know there
won't be yelling. I know there won't be crying.
Usually. It keeps me at peace. So I board up in my room, blast
music, and read. At that time, I know I will be alone and not
bothered. I tell you I'm fine when I'm not because I
don't want to bother you. Or I'm just not that close to
you. Or, sometimes, i just don't want to let you in. I
don't let a lot of people in, so don't get offended if you hear
that. It's how I am. In all honesty, I'm closer to people at
school than i am to my own family. I get closer to some new
people than those that have known me since the day I was born.
Ever since Mama's death, I have become distant to my family,
except Daddy and sometimes Ms. D. But even they don't know a
lot of it. I don't tell anyone when I cry myself to sleep
because I think about Mama too much or how messed up my life is
sometimes or the fact that my uncle sort of screwed me over.
That is a story most don't know about. Those people I've gone
to school with know Mama died but that's it. They don't know
that my uncle was the one who sold my house, that me and Daddy
had to move in with Granddaddy because we didn't have a house,
that my uncle either sold all Mama and my belongings or took
them from me, that Daddy and my uncle went into a custody
battle over me because my uncle wanted to take me away. They
don't know that that senior at another school that died in May
was the sister of a girl who is practically my sister, that I
have seen so much death it's surprising I'm so happy, that I
know what it means to completely have your life transformed in
the blink of an eye. But I live day to day, trying not to worry
about the future. I try to be kind to people. It keeps me with
no enemies. I'm that strong, confident, Christian, smart girl.
I know suffering, but I also know true Joy and Peace. I know
it's from God. That is how I survive each and everyday with a
smile on my face. I love that, and I love Him. He helps me deal
with everything overwhelming in life. I might fight back, but
just so you know, don't fully believe me when I
say...
I ' m F i n
e.♥