Format by destabilise.
congratulations, it’s a
girl, says the doctor. congratulations, it’s a girl, and
we have rose-tinted bubblegum-scented ultrasound gel for an
extra 3 dollars. and the baby shower will have
frosted balloons, and pink ribbons, and red cake for the blood
that has not left the womb for nine months,
red for life and for pain and for lipstick,
and when the blood and the life leaves the womb it will be
swaddled in soft femininity and it will feed on the teat of
patriarchy. they will say you’re a sinner for letting her
touch that toy truck, you’re a sinner for teaching her to
defend herself, you’re a sinner for
letting her leave the house like that, but all she knows now is
how to
gnaw on barbie’s head until it’s chewed and slimy
with saliva. you don’t claim to be god but
you won’t bind her hands with pages from the bible.
and today it’s the second day of kindergarten. when a boy
steals her unmellow yellow crayon it’s because he likes
her,
and tomorrow she passes through the freudian phallic stage
without losing her sense of identity, and when she’s
thirteen her dad’s friend slides his hand onto her thigh
under the table
keeps it there the entire dinner because he likes her, and she
still
can’t smell lasagna without gagging. when she’s
sixteen she lets her friend’s brother kiss her
because the boys at school call her pancake chest
his tongue tastes like an ashtray limp and slimy in her mouth,
and after she brushes her teeth three times she lies in her bed
and cries. God, she says,
God why am i here? and he says one day you will make a
pen.is
erect and you will know.
the next day a suit on the subway undresses her with his empty
eyes,
so when the barista asks for 3.99, her number, and half of her
soul she complies. splits it down the middle where the bone is
and hands it over in exchange for
a soy milk latte.
by seventeen she is tired of lugging god’s most precious
gift to
school and work and back so she gives it to a boy in a walmart
parking lot, cuts off her hair for good measure and
now she knows. men keep her hair long for easy grip. so she
goes home:
how was your day/itwasfine i’m going out/not in that
you’re not/whynot (she knows whynot) puts on a potato
sack, packs a suitcase full of underwires and razor blades and
tweezers
throws it in the pond for when the fishes say mommy will i be
pretty one day?
but when the time comes for her to jump she changes her mind
and gets on a greyhound bus
to new york city, it is dark when she arrives but the
streetlights
float above her head like small suns and keep her warm. she
walks past painted ladies with civilized but asymmetrical
briefcases, walks past people eating each other’s faces
in the shadows, walks until she arrives at the last flat
building plugging the holes in the sky she enters the elevator
and presses the top floor.
by the time she gets to the 35th floor she has swallowed 35
advils, and when she reaches
Not Heaven she has swallowed her tongue. it smells like old
spice and clementines. the angels say don’t worry, we eat
out of our collarbones here; try the clouds, they’re made
out of windex and taste just like tacos; love is when you shoot
smoke into your brain and it cooks your heart.
she hates steak so she lets her nails grow to the floor and
sacrifices herself to the newtonian universe
lets gravity lower her back down to earth, to the middle of
eighth avenue where suits walk around her until someone calls
911.
the next thing she remembers is white ceiling tiles. the hush
hush of voices next to her.
doctors (nearly all her bones were shattered upon impact only
god knows how she survived) mom (unintelligible)
she learns to walk again, to talk again, to live again
paints her eyelids with kohl to be beautiful for herself, to be
strong for herself. uses judo on anyone who dares lay a hand on
her. eats lasagna every wednesday night and loves it.
congratulations, it’s a girl, they say, and she will have
to heal.