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I could never really hate him. 
But sometimes I wonder,
Could I ever really love him?

"I'll never talk to you again.," I said.
"I don't believe you," he replied.
"F uck off. I hate you."
"I don't believe you," he replied, yet again.
And so I turned, and I walked away.

He said whenever he smokes, he listens to that one song,
red-okkervil river.
H e   l i s t e n s   t o   i t   b e c a u s e   o f   m e . 

I'M GOING TO BE HONEST.
Two years ago, nearly to the date, I was on Chatroulette. If you don't know what that is, it's a chat website, where you randomly get hooked up in conversation with anyone else in the world who is using that website at the same time as you. Creepy? It could be. Like, yes, sometimes there are genitilia involved. But I came across someone who is like me in so many ways. We continued talking, and we still Skype from time to time. He has grown to be such a good friend of mine, which is weird to think, because we haven't ever actually met in person. He is just someone I know I can talk to about any ideas, thoughts, beliefs, music or funny stories about my life. It's crazy to think I lived sixteen years without him. This seems pointless, but I guess what I'm trying to say is never give up. Things work out in weird ways sometimes. There was like, a one in six million chance we could have met that night. Not to mention the odds that we were even both on that ridiculous website at 10pm on a Tuesday night. But we did meet. And he is someone I hope to stay friends with for the rest of my life. Sometimes things just happen in weird ways. 

best guy friends
are the ones you text in all caps at one in the morning
and they immediately call you, even though you didn't
ask them to, and they stay on the phone with you until
you're done crying. and they listen. and they care. and
you love him, but you never ever ever kiss him.

He looked back at me and said,
"You're confusing." Not meanly,
just a matter of fact. and I said, "I
know. That doesn't even begin to
e x p l a i n   i t . " 

Maybe there's a god above,
and all I ever learned from love
is how to shoot at someone
who outdrew you.

I wish you understood just how much I love you.
You're the first guy I've ever really loved, and even
though both of us are scared out of our minds,
and even though you don't really know how to act,
or how to handle things, I still care about you,
and I would never want to do anything to hurt you.
I don't want to hook up with other guys anymore.
I am sick of being used and mistreated. I want
you, all of you. Even if it's not forever. It doesn't
have to be, it's just for now. Because no one else
makes me feel the way that you do.