While sitting here trying to figure out my purpose in a world
that seems to loath my existence. I've had the epiphany
that I think my purpose is to care for those who cannot care
for themselves. And if you can't care for yourself, then
you can't care for others which means I'll strike out
each and every time. It'll never matter what I do for them
or how much I care for them. They will never be able to love me
the way I love them. They'll never be able to care for me
the way I care for them. My purpose is to make others feel like
they have worth. All the while, I am chronically lonely without
ever truly being alone. I don't want to do it anymore.
Maybe that's selfish for not wanting to make others feel
worthy of something, or feel loved without having it
reciprocated back. I don't think I was ever meant to be
happy. When is someone going to come along and make me feel
worthy and loved? Where is that someone who won't just love
me for the first few years and stop trying once they have me?
Where is my person who drops everything for me because they
want to see me happy, not because my sadness makes them feel
guilty?
I don't think that person exists. It doesn't have to be
a significant other, but what about even just a friend? A
friend that doesn't make me feel like a burden when I talk
to them? A friend that texts first? A friend that keeps my
secrets and doesn't judge me for anything? A friend that
puts me ahead of other friends like I would for them?
Who am I kidding?
I don't know why, but I get stuck in this loop of reading our old quotes. I guess I just like to reminisce about life back then.
I read some of the quotes and all I can do is just cry. I cry at the sad ones, and I cry at the happy ones. I wonder what
life would be like if we both tried to make it work at the same time. It seems timing was a major issue for us. But now there
is no us and that's okay. I am happy where I am now in my relationship. I think what gets me the most is all of the wild and
unfiltered emotions that we shared. Now we're strangers. We both know you hurt me, and we both know that I hurt you.
Knowing that, I am so unimaginably sorry for everything. Just know, that I was unaware of the pain that I put you through
while it was happening. At the time, I may not have cared because it was the same way you hurt me. How you pretty much
left me behind. Although, that doesn't make it any better or right. I will never not be sorry for how things went on both ends.
No
matter how much I look back or replay memories, the sorrow and
the guilt never gets any easier. I wish it
did.
Maybe that's why I keep writing
about it?