secretsrevealed

Im the girl people say theyll say disgusting sexual stuff to, the girl where her friends tell her she's "beautiful" and "good looking". yet im also the same girl who once had a self-esteem that didn't even exist, who thought about swallowing bottles of pills and fall asleep hoping to never wake up, who cut herself - not severely - but for no stupid reason, who cried continuous and endless nights because of feeling so alone, and who lived under the shadows of her sister and everyone else around her.

&somehow i end up at a place now where i desire for someone other than my amazing friends to save me from this wreck i once was and am still trying to cover up, where i am dreaming dreams and imagining scenes that prove to be unrealistic, where i cannot accept death because i still live in a world half of which isn't even reality, where i cannot decide whether or not to hold onto that silver of hope that someday, one day, things will be in this perfect place as i had always imagined.

life is not horrible, but to sit and realize that not at one point was i completely happy with everything, makes me think if i will ever be able to feel that. maybe im just greedy, and i keep asking for more when the time isn't even right and the fears and desires of mine are not aligned so that i can indeed handle what wish for when i wish for it.