shadicdx

Status:
Joined: July 15, 2010
Last Seen: 1 week
Birthday: April 29
user id: 116685
Gender: M
My name isnt important anymore. For who i am is no longer one person, but many. Me and my spirits are united.

Quotes by shadicdx

For those who don’t know or understand. Men deal with emotional pain as well as women. Social norms are stated that all men shouldn’t cry or have feeling. That no matter what we have to be strong for ourselves and our family. That having these sensations are a showing of weakness. It’s the complete opposite. Like peoples it’s about to 2020. Social norms need to be broken down and re-evaluated. Honestly I notice that the whole thing about guys having to be tall, handsome, have a beard, abs ,just having money or how girls have to be a certain height, shape, size, weight, how they dress is what people want. Whatever happened to having that connection with people? Whatever happened to going out and not being on your phone and just talking with the person you are with? Why can’t people just also like people for who they are? Why do they have to act a certain way or dress a certain way in order to be socially acceptable to the masses? Whatever happened to being able to communicate with that’s one special person? Now I’m not saying that I’m a saint and not done this to someone because I have. I know I haven’t been the best at communicating to which this has cost me many a great deal of pain and suffering due to my own negligence of my own relationships. I know I’ve caused emotional pain to others as well. Practically anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship. Truth is what people want is unknowable until the right stone is cast. When that moment finally comes, that sensation of happiness comes to fruition.
I’m a guy and I’ve been hurt emotionally and physically. I’ve shed my own blood and my own tears feeling like I’ve been nothing worthless. To this day that sadly hasn’t changed. It sucks because I honesty know when I created this path for me. Right as I graduated high school, I realized that all my pain because my stupid actions and ignorance. I wish I could forgive myself for all these things I’ve done. But I have no idea how it would happen for me. Instead,I have to keep on moving forward trying to make a difference for myself but all I can say is that I forgive the others that added to this. To all the anger I let out because of my stupidity and jealousy. Thinking I wasn’t good enough when I was. Seeing how much people loved me but I didn’t show how much I loved them back. I’m sorry for being a bad person. I’m sorry for being someone that was a complete idiot and jerk. I wish I could see them again. And see their smile again. I miss you...
As of late, i seem to not be able to remember who I am, Not a a person, but as a spirit. Those who i left my trust and faith in have been seeming to dim. The lights from my life, slowing fading from existance. People always tell me that im important and that i matter a lot to them. It doesnt seem like it. It seems more and more painful. Honestly, i seem to be hating myself for it as well. Like it my fault for this. Ive come to terms with this before. Although it gets worse each time it happens. So far worse that ive been reverting back to my previous stages in life. When i didnt have friends. It doesnt appear like i have friends. My "friends" say that they care about me. 

I think about why i should even bother. I feel like im losing. Like there is no point in trying to even live my life. But everytime i do i feel dead. I have this selfhatred, that seems to be boiling like a pool of hot blood fresh from my dying body. I cant even see into my eyes anymore. Into my very soul. 

Do i even have my soul?

It just feels like this empty void that is just circulating in my body. Not knowing what to do. Wether to wake up or stay dormant, ill never know. 

Maybe one day ill be able to solve the mystery of how i truly died. Not a corpse but as a living husk that just walks around for days, months, even years. I remember when i used to laugh, about nothing at all it was better than going  mad. But now i cant solve any problems i have. I just cant live on like this anymore. I want to try being better than i already am but everyone keeps pushing me down. Like im not important, Some people barely remember my own name. I barely get to remember my own name. I rarely get to hear it anymore. 

My name is.....
single yet again only this time i decided to finish it... i never thought it would hurt this bad. Ive been feeling like crap. But maybe i deserve it.

After my past experiences, i thought this would be easier it really isnt and im in so much pain that its like ripping out my own heart, crushing it in 

my hand and stabbing it then placing it back inside my chest. Maybe i deserve it...
Thinking that i used to have the perfect life when i realize now, that perfection is unknowable. I used to not be good at anything at all. I used to give up really easily to everything i ever attempted. I used to have a girlfriend that treated me badly. Not the respect i deserved. I love her. But now life changes, ive changed for the better. Im doing better in school, my new girlfriend is amazing. She treats me with the respect that i deserve and love and kindness. I used to be this kid who didnt really have many friends. I used to pathetic. A loser. But finally it hit me that even a loser like me can still have great friends. People he knows he can trust. Lately, that hasnt been many people except my brother and my girlfriend. Besides my family members, i feel comfortable being who i am and if no one likes who i am. Well thats their problem. I always changed who i was to please different people. Like my mother and father, my ex-girlfriend,her parents. But now ive changed for myself. and i feel amazing about it. No one can ever change me because they choose to. I wont ever change for someone elses  happiness. If someone wants to be friends with me, they would have to accept who i am. 


Nothing is true,
Everything is permitted.
Why do i even try anymore? Its not like anyone cares anymore. :(
Lately i feel like im slowly losing her and i think to myself.. "did i do something wrong" i love you baby please tell me if i did something wrong i want to know i need to know. i feel like you are pushing me away. Do you not have the same feeling for me as you did when we started being to together? Do we not share the love? Tell me these things, how can i be a better boyfriend? i need to know. I love you so much baby. Please
People have asked me "Mauricio, do you love her? Is she the one for you? Do you think you can do better?"

The only answer i can give is that i love her. I love her so much. She is the girl for me. We like the same music. Same style. Same comedians. So on and so forth. When i wake up, she is the person i always wake up to go see. I go to school just to see her. (of course to learn also lol) When ever i feel down i always know that she can always cheer me up. When im happy its because of her making me happy. When i see a smile on her face its because i know i did something good. We barely get into fights but when we do its usually over after a hour or 2. But she completes me. Ive gone out with other girls. But i havent gone out with someone who is awesome and special and dear to my heart i love her so much with all my heart and soul.

I would go to the ends of the universe and back just to bring her a star but what she may already know is that she is my shooting star. She is my whole world. I love you baby!!!! <3<3<3<3<3
i wish could mind their own minds. Everyone is always in my business and making up rumors. People just to just leave me alone