Andjela*

I've never wanted anyone so badly to be mine. It has been a very long time since I've had these feelings. They're overwhelming. I'm falling for my best friend and I am wishing on every star and doing everything I can for something to happen.

I'm afraid of what's to come, my dear,
For forever seems so daunting.
I can't do anything but stand still,
And watch this life pass right by me.
You say you'll be by my side,
But how could anything be so certain
In this cold, indecisive world we live in?
It's hard to feel convinced and assured,
When in reality, no one really cares.
I've fallen victim, and I've been the perpetrator.
I've been hurt and I hurt back.
I know what it's like to make a statement.
Things have changed, my love.
Now, I'm just here, and I don't want to be.
So don't make me promises.
I'm not looking for that comfort.
I'm not looking for entertainment,
I'm not looking for relief.
I'm lost and I know you won't find me.
You say you've found the answer, darling,
But I haven't even posed the question.
How can I show you who I really am,
When, goodness, I don't even know?
I want to spend my time with you.
Please don't be upset that I feel so uncertain.
I want to be with you, that is something I know.
What a relieving feeling it is,
To feel confident in anything.
I don't know where this reality will take me,
I've just hopped on the train to take me somewhere,
Anywhere, where I could deflect numb misery.
After all, dear, that is the worst pain.
That's all I wish to do.
Avoid the feeling of pure disappointment.
And love, I just don't feel that with you.
I am afraid, under all of this indifference.
I am terribly afraid.
I want comfort, but I cannot keep it.
I want entertainment, but I am the epitome of eternal boredom.
I need relief, but I cannot expect it from you.
You are here, and I could not be more grateful.
Please just know that I am utterly confused.
I am trying to find my direction.
And I've done it alone.
When you ask me about my life,
Please understand there is so much more to it,
Than a simple, careless "I don't know."
 

I'm not one to write my feelings down like this. Especially not over a guy. But I guess we all like to believe that we're better than most people. And that we're too good to give credit to anyone but ourselves. Well, I don't feel that way anymore. I met someone that has shaken my life up, and the surprises have been endless since. I lose track of time when I speak to him, minutes turn to hours, and sunrise only means a painful goodbye. I met someone that looks at me and sees more positive things than negative. He makes life bearable. He motivates me to get out of bed and to make the most of the day, and to make something out of myself. He listens and gives me advice, and does what he can to comfort me or remind me of reality. He keeps my head up in the clouds, and my feet firmly planted on the ground. This isn't too good to be true, it's just... true. I have never experienced something so real. Nor have I met someone that can bring a smile to my face as often as he does. He manages to show me he cares and wants to be with me every single day. I met someone that I don't feel embarrassed writing about. I've swallowed my pride and can admit that I am extremely lucky to have someone as kind, genuine, honest, considerate, intelligent, hilarious, handsome, and witty, as he is. I am grateful to have someone in my life that is interested in me and appreciates what I have to offer. Our minds are in harmony, and we just understand one another. He has opened me up to accept my feelings and to never lose grasp of them. He holds me tight enough to make me feel like I'm not so broken anymore. To have been given the chance to share feelings with a man as wonderful as he is, is truly blessing. And I will not forget that. I have met someone that I want to work for, and I want to impress. And I know that wherever I go, that I've learned what it's like to really be moved by someone.

Well, that's okay. Young love rarely survives anyway. It was amazing while it lasted, right? Yes, and it was an extravagant, wretched love. There was love, there was hatred, there was passion, there was ignorance, there was fear, there was tension, there was struggle, there was success, there was trial and error, there was pain, there was laughter, there were tears, there were promises, there was blame, there was surrender, there was support, there was accompaniment, there was perseverance, there was inconsistence, there was life! There was reality. He lifted me up then dug me back into the ground. I haven't been able to stand for a while. There were so many moments of sparks and darkness, I don't know where I'm going anymore. He gave me strength. He gave me justice. He gave me a voice with no hope. He gave me love, but it was different. He gave me joy, and gave me shame. But it was love. It was powerful. It was a curse. It was ugly, yet beautifully stitched together with pieces of our lost minds and broken hearts.