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Forever & Always
CHAPTER 11:
Happiness is like a butterfly.

 The more you chase it, the more it will avoid you. 
But if you pay attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…
Searching for happiness, like I did, leads always to disappointment.
It leads to happiness avoiding you and it leads to the bitter sweet taste of unlucky reality.

Some people in this world are just better off as friends.
Some people, if they become anything more than friends with you, will devastate you.
They will hurt you.
 And the life and friendship you once knew with them, will vanish in an instant.
Like I said before, Nick was my friend.
 I had to believe it.
  I let go of Jesse because of believing it. 
Believing in something and the bitter truth of the matter differ completely though.

I should’ve seen it coming.
I mean it was obvious. Nick liked me more than a friend.
 The night after I broke up with Jesse he revealed the bitter truth to me.

He wanted me to be his girlfriend.
 I couldn’t say yes.
I just couldn’t.
 I needed time to think.
 To think about everything.

But with Nick, time is an advantage not given.
Desperate and confused, I said yes.

What had I done…
  
 

Sometimes you feel everything and nothing at once. Sometimes you find yourself smiling, while missing someone at the same time.
You can absolutely love someone, all the while trying to hate them.
Life comes without guarantees, except smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes and falling in love will change your life.

Confusion had taken over me.
Jesse used to be everything to me.
But, Nick’s best interest was all I could process.
It was all about what he wanted. He was the most important.
That’s the way it was.

 Correction: That’s the way I thought it was.
Never have I ever broken up with someone before. Well, never have I ever had a real relationship besides Jesse. And, never have I ever been so confused on something that should’ve been so simple.

The day had come. It had to happen.
People were coming up to me and hugging me and actually congratulating me. I was no way going to break-up with him myself.
Nick, Megan and Lexi were going to do it.
 
At first, Jesse didn’t believe them. But, after a while he did.
I just kept trying to think that it was all for the best. It was. Or was it?
After trying to tell myself everything was good now, everything of course got 110 times worse.

All hell broke loose.
And the unexpected became reality.
  
 

Do not go where the path may lead.
Instead, go where there is no path, and leave a trail.
Things were beyond bad.
I didn’t know who to turn to for answers.
After realizing that it would be in my friend’s best interest for me to break up with him, I decided I would.
I had to the end the pain.
I thought by breaking up with him everything would be better.
I was forced to see the worse in Jesse.
One day I finally told Nick that I was going to do it, I was going to breakup with Jesse.
He was happy.
He talked to me and we were good again.
I kept putting it off though.
I said I would break up with him after the play was over.
Then, of course Jesse just did the sweetest thing for me opening night.
 He gave me a bouquet of flowers. 
He hugged me and told me he knew I was going to do great in the show.
How could I break up with someone so sweet and that cared so much about me.
And I cared so much about him too.
 I couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t. 
 I told Nick that, but he couldn’t except it.
He could not take the fact that me and Jesse were still dating.
After finding that out, things got even worse.
He wouldn’t talk to me.
He would purposely talk to everyone but me. I thought he hated me.
Life wasn’t going my way.
Life was becoming a living hell.
And then, I gave in to Nick.
I told him I would really do it now.
And I truly was going to.
Nick meant something special to me.
Jesse meant something special to me.
I made my decision.
It was time to put it in action...
  
 

Friends are there for you. Friends don’t backstab you.
Friends are people you could trust.
Some people come into your life and portray themselves as “friends” to you.
But there not really, friends.
There haters.
Haters will ruin you.
Even people who think there helping you, but only cause harm do equal damage as haters.
Nick was my friend. 
He was supposed to be there for me.
One day he told me something I couldn’t bear to even listen to. He told me I should break-up with Jesse.
It was a living hell what he put me through.
He got a bunch of his friends to agree.
None of them would talk to me until I did it.
My one friend, Ciresten I really thought I could count on, but I obviously couldn’t.
She told me that I should break-up with Jesse too.
Yes, it was peer pressure.
It was beyond. Nick made everything worse for me every day though. He would tell me Jesse was cheating on me and he would tell me how Jesse doesn’t even like me.
I’m the type of person who is quick to believe things.
Nick told me he would never talk to me again if I didn’t do it.
Nick was like a brother to me, he meant something to me.
He honestly did.
Even though I knew that breaking up with Jesse just so Nick and all of the others would talk to me again was wrong, I was desperate.
Every night I would cry.
No one understood what was going on.
Half the people in my life were saying one thing while the other half was saying another.
I was so confused.
I wanted to follow my heart, but I didn’t know which direction my heart was leading me towards.
I had to do what was right.
But what was right didn’t agree with my friends, and my friends meant the world to me. 
 

I’m a lover, not a fighter.
 But, I’ll fight for what I love.

Everything was going great between me and Jesse. It was 6^thgrade love…I mean how much better can it get.
Our memories were ones I’ll cherish deep in my heart forever and always.
Our walks outside the school and the jokes he would tell.
The butterflies in my stomach, every time I spoke to him or even looked at him.

If this wasn’t love then I don’t know what was. He was a guy that I never in a million years pictured myself with.
But, I guess that’s what happens.
You meet someone you don’t expect yourself to be with, but then get to know them, and realize who they truly are. After all, opposite people attract.
J
Every day we would be able to talk.
Well, not only talk, to laugh and talk and to have memories. The play was amazing…because of him.
I didn’t know if our relationship was progressing.
And I didn’t know that from that moment on it was going to start going downhill.
I’m not the best person at making decisions. I get stressed out under pressure.
Especially when it’s pressure from my friends; people I can’t let down.  
The most difficult decision is choosing from two things you love.
I had to stay strong and I knew it too…
But the pressure…sometimes is too strong to take…

Especially when…
  
 

To love is nothing.
 To be loved is something.
And to love and be loved is everything.

Jesse looked me in the eyes and asked the one question I wasn’t expecting but deep in my heart truly hoping for. He looked at me and said
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
I began to blush and I felt the blood pumping in my heart.
I was being asked out right then and there.
It was time to make a decision.
I looked him in the eyes and smiled.

“Yes.” I said.
Jesse smiled then, and Nick said “Great.”.
But in a split second the moment was over. Jesse was my boyfriend.
Everything in the world was happy.

There was brilliancy, there was beauty, there was light. 
I honestly hadn’t been so happy in such a long time.
 There was now a reason to get up in the morning.
There was a reason to live.
 
Just to know someone cared about me, was enough hope to give me every day to live.

Jesse gave me hope. I needed him, more than anyone knew.
He made me laugh. He made me smile. I liked to say,

“If I had a flower every time he made me laugh or smile, I would have a garden to walk in…forever & always.”

Life was good. I wanted life to stay good. But life has it’s twists and turns and surprises whether we like it or not.
  
 

Sometimes I wonder if a favor is just done either to receive something in return, or just to thank someone.
Nick was about to do me a favor I didn’t ask him to do.
I guess this favor was a way of saying thanks.
But, he didn’t even know if it was what I truly desired, even though it was.
He texted me that day and said “Do you like Jesse? ”.
I was confused because we already talked about it and he obviously already knew the answer.
I texted him back yes.
As I was walking into the cafeteria I saw Jesse, and he was with Nick. “This can’t be good” I thought as I darted into the Cafeteria without thankfully being seen.
I sat down nervously at a seat in the back of the café.
Then, Nick came in the café.
I asked him why he texted me that and he said so he could prove to Jesse that I like him. But Nick looked at me with a feeling of sorrow and told me he was sorry.
Jesse didn’t like me. '
He knew I liked him.
 Awkward was beyond words to compare.
The whole day I felt sick to my stomach. I felt rejected and humiliated and just plain awful.
I saw him in 3^rdperiod math.
I didn’t make any eye contact with him and I’m guessing he was trying to do the same with me.
As I was walking to 6^thperiod gym I saw him and he yelled to me, “DON’T LISTEN TO NICK”.
I gave him a confused look and kept walking to class. What does he mean?
Why wouldn’t I listen to Nick?
At the end of the day I saw Jesse and Nick standing at my locker.
I quickly went to my friend Cirsten and began talking to her hoping that they would go away from my locker.
Then, Nick pulled me away from my locker and said that him and Jesse had to tell me something…
Then, Jesse looked me straight in the eye and said…