starts_with_love

I honestly don't know how people can believe the ridiculous lies i tell.

I can't trust anyone anymore. People always wonder why I have trust issues, and its the same story over and over again. I start off not trusting them, then i gain a little more trust as each day passes then i start thinking they may actually be different and actually be trustworthy but then BAM! they do something stupid to make me not trust them and then I can't trust them again

people don 't understand how bad I've been holding back cutting this summer because I knew I had no good place of hiding the cuts. but on that november day, when I finally don't have to get changed for gym because I have health, my stomach withh be so cut up. its gonnna be five months worth of cutting all in one shot.

School starts in less than a week. Just thinking about it puts my stomach in knots and makes me cry. My mom somewhat knows how much I can't stand school and offered homeschooling. I kinda considered it but I wouldn't wanna miss out on prom and things like that. But I really just don't know how I'm going to make it through school this year and the years to come.

Whenever I listen to Demi Lovato's Skyscraper, I feel depressed. I feel like I'll never be able to do what she did. I feel like I'll never be able to stop cutting and never be able to eat normally like she can. I'm not strong enough. It's a good song, but it just reminds me of the things I try so hard to hide.

I'm not good enough. I never am..... I've starved myself for the past few months, before that I was bulimic I've lost so much weight, you can see my ribs now. Yet some girls still call me fat which is why i still haven't completely stopped. I'm eating 3 meals a day again finally, thanks to my best friend who basically saved me but I still don't eat much in my meals. some days my meals will just be like an apple or a couple of grapes, etc.

I cut because I try to forget the fact that I'm loved. There are a handful of people who've said things like "I love you," "You're so important to me," "I couldn't live without you" but now they have all left. To them, now, I'm no more important or special than dirt on the ground.

I created this account just as a diary and I'm sorry if it bothers people, I just can't hold it any more and I have no one to go to. I apologize if it annoys you, I will stop if it does.