stiltongirl

*Dora Theme Song plays*
Me: D-D-D-D-D-DORA
Me: D-D-D-D-D-DORA
Me: DORA DORA DORA THE EXPLORAAA.
Me: VAMINOS!
Me: SWIPA NO SWIPING! SWIPA NO SWIPING!
Swiper: *Snaps* AW MAAAN.
Me: YOU CAN LEAD THE WA-AY. HEY! HEY!

Dora: Oh no! My friends are in trouble they can't push the boat. We have to help them!
Me: Lolno. You have to help them.
Dora: We have to say empuje!
Me: Don't tell me what I have to say.
Dora: Can you say empuje?
Me: WHY CAN'T WE JUST SAY "PULL" IN ENGLISH?
Dora: Say it! Say empuje!
Me: Don't tell me what to do you passive agressive b/tch! I don't like you!
Dora: Good!
Me: WAT.

Dora: Okay! Now, I need the map!
Me: Good to know.
Dora: Say map!
Me: Map.
Dora: Louder!
Me: F*CKING MAP YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.

Map: If there's a place you got to go!
Map: I am the one you need to know!
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: You're the what? Sorry, didn't get that.
Map: If there's a place you got to get!
Map: I can get you there I bet!
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: Oh my god.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: OKAY.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: YOU LOOK LIKE A SOFT TACO.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'M THE MAP!
Me: Oh really? I thought you were a F*CKING CHAIR.
Map: Okay! Tell Dora you need to go over the bridge!
Me: Ok.
Map: Through the woods!
Me: Sounds a little dangerous for a 5 year old.
Map: AND THEN YOU GET TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE!
Me: WHY IS HER GRANDMA'S HOUSE SO DAMN DIFFICULT TO GET TO?!

Dora: Where did Map say we have to go?
Me: Over the bridge and through the woods.
Dora: Over the bridge and through the woods?
Me: B*TCH, YES.
Dora: OKAY!

*At the bridge*
Dora: Where's the bridge?
Me: OMFG I KNOW YOU SEE THAT DAMN BRIDGE RIGHT IN BACK OF YOU.
*Magical Cursor Clicks the Bridge*
Me: WHERE THE F*CK DID THAT COME FROM?
Dora: Let's go across the bridge!
Me: Okay...
Swiper: *Takes one of the steps on the bridge*
Me: WAT. THA. FACK.
Swiper: *Snickers*
Dora: OH NO! SWIPER TOOK ONE OF THE STEPS ON THE BRIDGE!
Me: ORLY? BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE GAVE YOU A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS
Dora: Quick! Say SWIPER NO SWIPING!
Me: SWIPER, GIVE THE DAMN STEP BACK. WE JUST WANT  TO CROSS THE BRIDGE. GTFO.
Swiper: *Snaps* AW MAN.
Swiper: *Puts step back*
Dora: Now let's cross the bridge!
Me: ...............

*At the woods*
Dora: Where's the woods?
Me: ARE YOU BLIND.
*Magical Cursor Again*
Boots: It's over there, Dora!
Me: Atleast you're smart.
Boots: But Dora, I'm scared of the dark woods.
Me: OMFG, BOOTS.
Me: STOP BEING A LITTLE B*TCH MONKEY.
Me: APE UP.
Dora: It's okay boots. My backpack has a flashlight!
Me: Ughhhhhh.
Dora: Can YOU help?
Me: HELP YOUR DAMN SELF!
Dora: Say BACKPACK!
Me: *Rolls eyes*

Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Me: Wtf r u a Pokemon
Backpack: I'm the Backpack!
Me: No sh*t.
Backpack: Loaded up with things and knick knacks too.
Backpack: Anything that you might need I got inside for you!
Me: I need an Advil.
Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Me: No.
Backpack: BACKPACK, BACKPACK! YEAH.
Me: 
Backpack: What does Dora need?
Me: A flashlight for Boots the scared little b*tch monkey.
Backpack: Okay!
Backpack: *Lets out tape, a screwdriver, and a flashlight*
Me: Wtf.
Backpack: Where's the flashlight?
Me: ....RIGHT THERE.
*Magical cursor clicks the screwdriver*
Me: NO WTF THAT'S NOT A FLASHLIGHT.
Backpack: That's not a flashlight!
Me: ORLY.
*Magical cursor clicks flashlight*
Backpack: THAT'S IT! GIVE THE FLASHLIGHT TO DORA!
Me: Oh God.
Backpack: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM DELICIOSO!
Me: Why did you eat tape and a screwdriver?
Me: That's gonna hurt when you take a mighty backpack sh*t.

Dora: Do you have the flashlight?
Me: Yes.
Dora: GREAT! NOW WE CAN GO THROUGH THE WOODS!
Boots: AND I WON'T BE SCARED.
Me: I HOPE A WILD BEAR KILLS YOU BOTH.

*Finally at Grandma's house*

Dora: !Lo hicimos! We did it!
Me: You just said the same thing twice.
Dora: YAYYY
Me: ...

Dora: What was your favorite part?
Me: ...Well.. I have to say I enjoyed the part where--
Dora: I LIKED THAT PART TOO!
Me: B*TCH I DIDN'T FINISH.

Me: F*CK THIS. I'M NEVER WATCHING DORA AGAIN.

 

knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

Band member: Hey what can I sign for you?
Me: Just this piece of paper, please?
Band member: Of course *signs*
Me: Thanks
Band member: Wait, was that an adoption paper?
Me: NO BYE
Band member: WAIT
Me: NO!
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When your friend comes with you to your grandparents for thanksgiving...
friend makes everyone laugh
dead silence
me :D
My friend o.0