teenidle

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Sara.
- Eye Color: dark brown, nearly black.
- Hair Style/Color: curly light brown hair.
- Height: 5"3
- Clothing style: basics on basics on basics
- Best physical feature: hands & tummy

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: disappointing the people who believe in me.
- Your guilty pleasure: dance moms, drinking
- Ambitions for the future: happines + art making + good people around me

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: gotta do it
- What you think about most: schoolwork 
- What you think about before bed: the joys of sleep
- You think your best quality is: light-heartedness, sociability. i make people feel comfortable in most situations, and i'm so glad!

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- Single or group dates:  group
- To be loved or respected: with respect comes a form of love
- Beauty or brains: brains become beauty!
- Dogs or cats: cats

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: yes.
- Believe in yourself: yes.
- Believe in love: yes.
- Want someone: nope!

LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: yes.
- Done drugs: yes.
- Changed who you were to fit in: no.

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: blue.
- Favorite animal: cats.
- Favorite movie: too many to say!
- Favorite game: card games are fun!

LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: july 23rd, whatever that may be
- How old will you be: 17
- Age you lost your virginity: not quite yet.
- Does age matter: not really! once you're in high school, there's a good +- 2 year boundary that is okay.

LAYER NINE: IN A BOY
- Best personality: funny, kind, outgoing.
- Best eye color: anything goes
- Best hair color: see above!
- Best thing to do with a partner: watch a movie and never really watch it during.

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: people
- I feel: concerned but okay
- I hide: not much at all.
- I miss: my best friend.
- I wish: to do well for a good long while

In the name of science

To pinch and poke and examine was just my nature
I was a scientist, my body was a great experiment
yet I feared manically that it was failing.

Acid climbed my throat
Pennies were dropped in a bucket
I felt itchy where I could not scratch 
and my biggest aspirations were pushed aside.
I had to give all of myself to The Great Experiment,
even if I was dying.

I changed profession.
I am distant from that now, I swear, I am, I promise!
All habits dropped, says the brave face.

I'm not dying, but I am lying.

Rare calculations still flutter in the brain
The balance in my mind is too quick to see what's heaviest
too much, too much, too much, you daft girl
The bruises on my knees and elbows reappear.

I clench my fists to remind me my hands can create beautiful things.
I stomp feet to to feel the floor, I am here and I am present.
I close my eyes to picture a place where I am happy without this.
I take deep breaths because my lungs work despite my reckless cruise to ruin myself.

The Great Experiment is never quite over.

Retrospect

i don't have the guts to wither away anymore
i fear the bones under my skin and fragile hair
i fear a stomach that beats it's drum, crying for attention

i feel too much to stuff myself full like an old pillow
i feel the heaviness, i feel the guilt to my very core
i can't hug something that will never hug me back

i resort to shaking hands, watering eyes, and a restless mind
it is better to learn to harness my thoughts
than to blindly follow them

WHO I WAS/WHO I AM/WHO I SHOULD BE
silent sisters, locked hands
taunting at the border lines
how can i hault the flood inside?
stillness would be so sweet
but my toes are drowining



 

how to be happier than before
(much needed rewrite of an oldie)

1) love your friends as fiercely as possible.

2) take three deep breaths before you go to sleep every night. remind yourself of the simple actions your body can do on it's own. 

3) when in doubt, ask. swallow the fear of embarrassment because no one will get upset with you for needing help. learn to ask slowly and kindly. shy away from demanding something or denying it, too. plant both feet on the ground, look up, and ask.

4) protect yourself, but don't fear vulnerability. getting hurt will teach you the lesson of when to build up your walls vs. when to let them down.

5) learn to forget the negative, try to forgive the negative, always attract the positive. positive vibes will only circulate around you if you welcome them in. send out as much good energy as you feel you can.

6) make lists when your mind is restless. cataloguing your mind will help you feel there is order in a seemingly scary world.

7) try to love yourself. talk yourself up in your mind and comfort yourself when you fall. treat yourself gently. imagine you are a plant. you need sunshine, water, food and love to grow into a fully formed being. don't deprive yourself of any of these. attach your self worth to nothing at all because you're worth something stable, not something that changes. count the leaves on the trees during spring.

8) if you're struggling, just close your eyes and tell yourself you are so much more than you think you are. trust your silly manta because it's true, and open your eyes again.

i'm not saying i do these like i totally don't but I'M TRYING and that's what matters ** from the original and as relevant as ever today.



 

i am not yours to be fixed
you can't glue pieces of me together 
or attempt recontruction on a bridge i have to start myself
i'll draw the blueprint
i'll build it with my own hands and kiss the blisters on my palms

this is something i have to do for myself
you can't walk me through it, 
so please don't try


 

hold my hand when i need you to, please please please


 

Lil Poems

I.
let me do the nice things that kind people do
i can let myself be that type of raw

 II.
the gates shut at 4 on the dot
too late, turn around, my eyes are closed

III.
the gates can forgive you this time
it's okay, come back, my hands are open

IV.
red strings tie me to a million things
why can't one of them be you, damn it

V.
my hands shake violently because i feel alone
i am tangling the strings
 

i still love you but it's a different love
it's a love of what could have been
what never was

yet,
it's a comfortable love.

i am not afraid anymore of the big words in my head,
nor of the small words from your mouth
because i know this is our way of being, and it's enough

coexistance scared me as much as kissing did
i wanted you closer without taking off the costume
i wanted to stay an illusion
i shouldn't have expected you to become real

i still love you, and it's okay this way