Joined: December 31, 2011
Last Seen: 5 years
user id: 257595

Quotes by theWalrus

I am at that awkward age
where half my friends are engaged and having babies
and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones
Two guys walk into a bar

You'd think the second one would duck
Guys today I ate 3500 calories and lost 2 pounds 
I think satan himself has damned my stomach as the deepest pit in all of hell
Reasons to date me:
1) Sometimes I'm funny
2) You'll never go hungry because I always have food
3) That's pretty much it
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even
I was trying to get wifi at school
and one of the options was to connect to Billy Bob's Por n Hut. 
Today in the garbage
there were three pregnancy tests

next to an empty solo cup.
St. Patty strikes again.
Guys say girls are confusing but thats not really true.
All you have to do is buy me food and I will literally cut my heart out
 and give it to you if thats what you want
"What's the difference between a knife and a Cadillac?"

"I don't have a Cadillac in my pocket. Get in the van."
Things I look for in a soulmate:
1) He has to be taller than me
2) You have to be able to match me in an eating contest
3) That's pretty much it
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