Joined: December 31, 2011
Last Seen: 5 years
user id: 257595

Quotes by theWalrus

Person: I'm having a heart attack!
Witty: HOLD ON
Witty: You can't just diagnose yourself like that
Witty: I have had heart attacks for 5 years now
Witty: I know what it feels like to have a real heart attack
Person: *dies*
Witty: pshh, stop being an attention who/re

I'm generally a really nice person
but there is this guy I don't really like,
and the night I was avoiding him I had a dream
that he died in a plane crash and I was super sad and felt really awful
and I wish my mind would let me be mean for once I mean being nice is good
but sometimes you just need to be able to imagine brutally murdering someone without feeling guilty
*In Class Yesterday*
Teacher: Who's dressing up for halloween tomorrow? What are you guys going to be?
Kid in back of class: Hungover
Teacher: Haha me too.
Teacher: Actually that's what I am today
Oh my god I cant handle people touching me
like when guys try to hug me it's just like
80/20 chance I will punch you in the throat

*At my rugby game*
During half time
Coach: I want to see you guys f/ck them in the as$
Teammate: I'm going to f/ck them in the a$s so hard
Teammate: Let's go out there and kill a b/tch

This is the story of how rugby players are classy as f/ck

Hey what time is it?
"Time for you to get a watch"
Really? I thought it was time for you to get a new joke.

I would love you Monday,
through 'til Sunday
*shopping with my brother*
Dude: Hey man
Brother: Hey
Dude: Is this your little sister?
Brother: Yea
Dude: So your name is Katie?
Dude: And your a sophmore?
Dude: and you have another sister, named Michelle?
Me: Yea
Brother: Are you stalking my life?
Dude: No, remember that time I was talking about how I was going to f/ck your sisters?
Me: 0.0

It makes me so sad when people think no one will ever love them.
Seriously, psychopaths on death row have people fall in love with them. Someone will love the sh/t out of you someday.
It’s going to happen and you’ll be happy.
>>> Discussing politics on witty 
< 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next >