nostalgia is bittersweet and tonight
i've just been completely immersed in it.
hello. long time no see. how has everyone been?
not like anyone cares, but i'm sadly still (physically)
self-serving rant. don't even bother.
things have completely changed: no glimmer of hope i was clinging
on to ever materialised. i am left even more alone than ever
because of how much of a different person i've become; i
don't blame anyone for it, most of the time it doesn't even
matter -- this is just one of the rare times where i feel it really
does. i haven't been feeling like a human at all. i spend most
of my waking hours running around classes and to places i don't
want to be in, all while being completely detached and half-asleep
from a settled lethargy. from before the sun rises till well after
the sun sets, every single f*cking day. i don't remember the
last time i smiled. i don't remember the last time i felt like
i had a good day. the fact that this is the life i've been
forced into is only beginning to set in.
feeling like a complete wreck has screwed with my emotions way too
much. one moment i'm flaring up, cursing at everything and
everyone, the next moment i'm just in pieces. either way,
i'm completely consumed. there is nothing i feel like i'm
really comfortable at and that i can find solace in. writing bad
poetry has taken up most of my time and gotten my mind off my real
life, but my imagination is running dry and i feel that i should
just accept that i suck and stop writing/trying to do something
i'm not meant to do.
for the millionth time, everyone is sick of hearing about this
whole situation. don't ask me what's wrong. this is
what's wrong. i won't even bother to try and salvage this
(anymore). i've tried to find a way out on my own, spent hours
talking to people who know better than to just simplay say that
things are going to be okay, etc. and the consensus was the same:
i'm screwed and that's just how unfair life is.
i myself am sick of having to talk about this but it's just
something that's constantly nagging in my head because i'm
living in it.
i want to leave.