wilkil4shoes

There are these little voices in my head. I used to be able to ignore them and just go about my day. But for almost a year, they have been LOUD. It's all I hear. They are extremely negative and say mean things. One voice calls me fat. Another calls me dumb. Another tells me I'm ugly and I'll never look like that girl. One tells me I'll never be good enough for anyone or anything. But I also have voices outside telling me things too. My family. I have my family who berats me for not being athletic and gets straight A's. My mom trys to be encouraging, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to listen. She doesn't want to hear that I'm sad...or depressed maybe. She probably wouldn't like hearing those words. Her daughter...depressed. Lately I've been acting out a little bit. The reason is, I'm tired of being ignored. Everyone just thinks I'm ridiculous. But I don't want to make my mom upset with me at the same time. She already been pretty upset for a while. For a little more than a year my dad has had to live in a different state for work. He comes home every other weekend or so. I guess you could say he had an affair...I don't know what to call it. I came home to my mom crying. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I didn't ask anymore, but I was still suspicious. I heard her on the phone crying and talking about her and my dad getting a divorce. I started crying. My parents and divorce just didn't belong in the same sentence. They loved each other. Always holding hands and hugging. I immediately called my two bestfriends Nikki and Sarah. I didn't know what to do. Then when my mom went out, I remembered her reading something in an envelope. I went downstairs and though I probably shouldn't have, read them. They were emails the woman my dad...whatever with...sent to my mom. They weren't dirty or anything, just things that my dad shouldn't have said to any woman but my mom. I overheard my mom again on the phone saying she wasn't what my dad wanted and how disappointed she was with him. I was disappointed in my dad too. My dad then drove 8 hours to talk to my mom. He wanted to work it out. My brother overheard my mom  too and he had a breakdown at school the next day. He said he was "sick". My parents told me what happened, but I didn't admit I overheard either. They ended working it out and are still together. The reason why I told you this was because I don't want my mom to be disappointed in me too. She was already disappointed in my dad...I don't want her to be disappointed in me too. So I don't tell her anything. I don't tell her how I feel. Normally I vent to my friends...but lately I don't like doing that either. I don't want to bring them down. So I keep everything to myself. I hate talking about my feeling and expressing myself. I'm shy and keep to myself. I'm uncomfortable and don't really open up to people. It's hard for me. 

if you took all that time to read that...thank you. It really means a lot.

 One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

 Someday I hope somebody loves me

 

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