Nov. 16 2015
I'm in love with the idea
of being in love but I am not in love with being in
Because I never learned how to and each step I take feels like
I'm falling deeper into an ocean of all the love I was never
given as a child,
and I can't seem to find myself when I don't know
what I'm searching for.
My parents told me I have time,
there is no rush to find your soulmate,
but what if the time is now and I don't even know
what if they aren't looking for their other half but just
someone to booty call at 4 am when they're drunk and
can't handle being alone.
What if my lover is echoed in rooms of everyone who's ever
would I hear his voice?
Would it sound different, would it sound
the way I picture it in story books and romantic
where girls fall for the right guy and everything's okay.
and he loves her, and she's so beautiful.
Since when did I have this story book picture in my mind
about how it was supposed to be,
or how I was supposed to feel when he kissed me and how I
didn't know I could say no.
I never got the storybook ending,
the happily ever after, it's not as easy as they make it out
and I think we need to stop romanticizing something that takes a
whole part of us when it ends,
because there's something about love and the magic it
that when it ends, it destroys.
I am still searching for what you took.
Love breaks parts of you, you didn't even know you had,
it takes and it takes,
the destruction of love is the most horrible thing I have ever
been apart of.
I have individually taken someone's heart and held it in my
hand and I dropped it without turning back,
I ran as fast as I could.
I looked at love as if it was the deadliest criminal I had
ever known, and I didn't want it to be found,
I wanted it to stay away because there was no prize to be found,
no reward at the end.
My love couldn't be protected behind bars, it slipped away
through the cracks it got away on bail.
And as it slipped, so did I, but I slipped through the
I became a version of myself I didn't even know, I
looked in the mirror and saw a skeleton starring back at me.
People asked me if I was happy, and I gave them the false
answer they wanted.
I said I was fine, they didn't know I was fighting a
battle in my mind.
People are only curious for themselves, they don't really
and it took me awhile to figure out we are all false positives,
and that love is the bad guy you fall for who says all the right
and I am still running.
And if you'd like to know, yes I am doing fine,
I just can't handle having to leave my bed in the
and I am surprisedat how long I've lasted.
They tell me it's poison, we don't collide anymore.
But his name still tastes as good as it sounds.