98angelblue*

I really hope my crush
does no-shave-November
because really though
that stuff is hot

The live versions of Boulevard of Broken Dreams and 21 Guns make me want to cry.

Last year when I was in Spanish class my teacher noticed that I was extremely antisocial and that I'm always sad looking.
So she would always make jokes and try to make me smile but I refused for many reasons.
Then one day I wrote out a bathroom pass and asked her to sign it.
She took it from me and signed it and put her arm out to give it back to me.
I went to take it but she pulled her hand back saying "Smile for me."
I looked at her dead in the eye and said "No."
She replied "No smile, no bathroom."
So I just looked her dead in the eye for about 30 seconds, the entire classroom staring at me.
Then my teacher said "Fine" and gave me the pass.
I was walking out of the classroom and as I shut the door I heard my teacher whispering to my entire class


"She hates everyone."

Okay so I'm a very insecure person.
And I'm insecure about almost every part of my body.
I wear clothes that cover as much as my  body as possible.
I cut my hair so that it covered up my face but I could still see.
I started wearing hats a lot because I'm insecure about my hair.
And now I'm even becoming insecure with my neck.
My neck.
It's outrageous.
Anyways.
So I'm also very insecure about my smile.
My teeth are weird, my smile looks stupid.
I just don't smile anymore because of it.
So the other day in school my gym teacher and I had a conversation.

And then my teacher walked away from me.
So then today in gym class I had to go to the bathroom due to...girl issues... and we weren't doing anything in gym so I went to the teacher.

And then he walked away.
It just pïsses me off so much because he doesn't know why I refuse to smile.
Maybe I have a jaw problem and it hurts to smile.
Maybe someone close to me just died an hour ago and I'm devistated.
Or maybe I'm extremely insecure about my smile and wouldn't want to further humiliate myself.
And now it's like I'm being punished for it.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Muse - Undisclosed Desires

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's and ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me
Going Away to College - Blink-182

So every morning I go to geometry for period 2.
I'm always the first one there because my period 1 class is so close.
Every morning my teacher says, "Good morning, Heidi."
And I reply with a simple "Good morning."
Then he asks, "How are you?"
And I always reply with a simple "Okay" or "Fine" or even just "Eh."
Then today when I said I was okay he said
"One day I'm going to ask you that question and you're going to say that you're great."
And I just shrugged and said "Eh."
Then he looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile and said "I promise."
Nobody probably gives a sh/t about this
but I'm a person with very low self esteem
and that just made my entire day.

To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
And Mary Jane to keep me insane,
Doing someone else's cocaine

-Jesus of Suburbia; Green Day