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this is looking like a contest

of who can act like they care less

but i liked it better when you were on my side

Fast Pitch Softball Player

At one time, she looked cute as a button, dressed in pink with ponytails
with dreams of Peter Pan. She played with dolls, helped mom
bake cookies, and has probably earned a few bucks baby-sitting. She has been,
and always will be daddy's little girl.

She still has all those little girl attributes. The only difference
is now she looks cute dressed in sliders and shorts. If she is wearing
ribbons in her hair, they are team colors. She still bakes cookies...team bake sale.
And she has probably earned a few bucks...at the team car wash. Now she is, and
always will be daddy's little softball pitcher.

She takes pride in how much dirt she can collect every weekend. Go to dinner
on a night that she is not playing and it takes an hour of primping to get ready,
and she still feels self-conscious. Go after a game and she'll walk right
into a restaurant with a streak of dirt across her forehead, ratted hair,
stained shirt and brown socks that used to be white. With an appetite.

She is ready and willing to play at the drop of a hat! If she can get away
with it, she will play on two teams. (In the same day no less) She has a huge
wardrobe: plenty of tournament shirts and shorts from all the teams she has
played on. When you say, "wear something nice", she
thinks it means a t-shirt without dirt stains.

She is a fierce competitor, willing to stand in against a fast pitcher at
close distance that even pro baseball players would have trouble hitting!
And she might be 5'2" and 100 lbs. She might play first or third base
at 20 feet from home plate, saying I dare you to bunt, go ahead, drive one down my throat!

She has more spirit than maybe any other team sport. At least it sounds that
way. Softball is the only sport where a girl's ability to cheer sometimes
effects roster decisions. She can't bunt or hit, she is a liability in the
field...but she cheers constantly!
She is playing the game for all the right reasons.
She loves it.
She could hang out at the mall, stay home and
watch TV, or spend her summers at the pool. Instead she has a tight schedule
with limited free time, hangs out on the practice field with a coach in
her face, and spends her summers getting baked on a 95 degree field with no shade.

She has her priorities in order: tournaments, league games, team practices,
schoolwork, individual practice and batting cage, family, private softball
instruction, church, conditioning, softball camps, boys. (Maybe church comes before private intruction. At least on Sundays.)

She is diligent and hardworking. She knows you get out of something, what you
put into it. She is not the type of kid to take the easy way out! She is
competitive, not willing to give up. She learns many valuable lesson
during the course of her softball career, like:

You can stay at Holiday INN for $12 bucks a night if you are willing to go 4 to a room.
Unlike the geographically challenged, softball girls know how to get from home to every field in a 25 mile radius.
Last year's sunflower seeds that she found in the bottom of her bag aren't too bad, if she washes them down with enough Gatorade.

Never wash your socks when you're on a winning streak!
Never wash your socks when you're on a hitting streak!
Never wash your socks after you've scored the winning run, scored any run, or were close to scoring a run!
Never trust a mother who says she won't wash your lucky socks.

She has a lot of fun every season, enough to make her come back next year regardless of all the sacrifices, money, the occasional bad coach, injuries, drinking water that people have put their hands in, etc.
 

you have no idea what it's like.
so don't you dare tell me to
"just stop"

you have to go through some bad days to get to the best days of your life

sometimes...i go to talk to you.
to tell you about my day, some funny story i know you would love.
and then i remember.
i cant.









you're gone.
you're dead.

we wake up in the morning face to face
well, I wake up, you're asleep.
your eyes are closed and for a minute i just look at you.
i start at your hairline. your sleep-rumpled mop of a hairdo.
my gaze sweeps down to your forehead, your temples, your ears. your adorable ears.
I reach one hand up and delicately run one finger over your ear.
I look to your nose. Your cute little nose.
the curve above your lip, the soft parting when your breath comes out.
your chin, your jawline. I love all of it.
I want to soak all of you in with my eyes.
I want to remember everything.
I want to take a picture with my mind.
just let me have this. let me have you.

outside, the sounds of the city streets echo.
I can hear the cars, the murmur of people.
our neighbors turning on their shower.
I can hear the world beginning to turn.
it's early. the sun is soft yellow, filtered with gray.
I can hear a light breeze, a distant alarm clock, a ruffle as you shift your legs in your sleep.
closer to mine. wrapping our ankles together.
I look at your neck, your shoulders, your arms.
I take you in. I take a deep breath, full with the smell of you.
you always tell me you smell like nothing in particular, but you're wrong.
you smell like you - warm and cozy and full of love.
this is my favorite time.
I mean don't get me wrong, I love when we're awake together, obviously.
when we make breakfast or go grab bagels downtown.
when we take walks, go to parties.
I love everything about being awake together.
but it's right now, when we're cuddled together under the covers, me half asleep, you fully asleep.
it's the time I love most.
when you wake up, who knows what will happen?
when you wake up, the spell is broken.
when you wake up, anything could happen, or nothing.
I could lose you. or we could fall even more deeply in love.
but it's a risk. it's always a risk.
and now, in this little minute before we wake up, before our day begins, it's quiet.
it's simple. it's nice.
just let me have this.
let me have looking at your face uninterrupted.
let me have running my hands through your hair.
let me have listening to your breathing.
let me have feeling your warmth.
let me have you. let me have this.

to tell you the truth, I don't have much to offer,
but I'll still give you my everything
even if it's barely anything at all.
I'll give you all of them
late night thoughts, long hugs
someone to talk to, someone to care for
someone who will always be there
a hand to hold.
and if that's not enough,
just know.
you have all me.
I hope that's enough.

a smile across her face
her laugh covers it all
no one can see the truth
how she's about to fall
you've looked at her
thought she was happy, right?
or that she'd feel better soon?
well she's at her worst tonight
a slight glimmer in her eye
nothing but a tear
her rare cries for help
too faint to hear
no one sees the real her
or even seems to care
she just wants to find happiness
but for her it is nowhere

when you changed
I said I wouldn't.
when you lied
I said I would be truthful.
when you walked away
I said I would stay forever.
when you forgot
I said I would always remember.
when you broke down
I said I would remain strong.

but I can't anymore.

you make me go
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