time after
time
part
#57
he went
back to sit in his barstool, and i finished cooking the macaroni
and cheese . he sat there and just stared at me. everytime we
made eye contact i would just laugh, and my heart would race. why
am i doing this to myself? i asked. i'm just gonna get
hurt again.
"here you go." i said, putting the bowl in front of
him, and then scooping some out for myself.
"you can go home if you want." he said, and took a
bite.
"this is really good." he smiled.
"i know. and i'm not leaving you all alone."
i said. "what kind of person would i be?"
"the good one who cares about their grades?" he
asked.
"honestly, there isn't a reason for me to be in
school. i can't play lacrosse, and none of my teachers
will miss me."
"and your parents?"
"we're not on good terms." i said, and blinked back
tears.
"why not?" he asked.
"my dad wants to move one more time." i said.
"but you're going to college, so why does it
matter?"
"they won't pay for my room and board." i said, and
put my fork down to wipe my eye.
"and that means?"
"no room and board means i need a job. no job means no
place to live, and that means i have to live with my
parents. it's against my scholarship to work." i
said.
"where are they moving?"
"england."
"they can't do that!" he said, shocked.
"welp. they are. i worked so hard for it too." i said,
getting emotional. i didn't mean to but it was just
getting to me. "god i hate them. if only.." i said, and
stopped my train of thought.
"they wouldn't do this to kara or jason, i mean they
have their own apartments. but not me. they can't
trust me anymore." i said, and he patted his laps. i
walked over and he squeezed me tight.
"if only what?" he asked.
"what?"
"you stopped what you were saying." he looked at
me. "if only what?" i just looked at him, and i
almost heard the click in his head.
"oh."
"i'm sorry. i didn't mean to bring him up, but if he
was still here, there wouldn't be an argument if i was
going."
"don't worry about it." he said, and kissed my
cheek. "he was a huge part of your life. you can't just
pretend he was never there."
"i'm moving on, i really am. there's just a
ripple effect." i said, and wiped my eyes. he then
yawned, and i looked at the bags under his eyes.
"tired, aren't we?"
"no i'm fine."
"we can just go watch tv or something." i offered. i
got up, and he walked me to his room. he jumped onto his
bed, and then moved over and patted an empty spot for me to lay
down. i layed down, and he wrapped his arm around my
waist. i gripped his large hand with my petite one, and
played with his thumb.
"did you and rob, ever, uhmmm.." he said and trailed
off. i turned to face him and he was looking at me with a grin
tugging on his lips. i laughed, and he chuckled and smiled a wide
white toothed grin.
"no, no we didn't." i laughed. "i'm not
sure how normal this is going to sound, but after he died, i
wished we had, and by chance i could've been pregnant with
his kid, i mean something to hold on to . but he left me
with nothing." i said, and he kissed the tear that was
falling down my face.
"rachel, i will never leave you. and that's a
promise."
"i will hold you to that, you know." i said.
"i wouldn't expect anything less." he said and
kissed me, and i felt the smile break through on both his and my
face.
If only you could see
See it in my eyes how much it means
Your touch, Your smile
To a heart thats beat has long since given out and given in
The night opens wide, swallowing every sense
Embracing me with emptiness
The hours have become irritations, and I find myself reduced to life's imitationHow can we truly say that we are alive
When everything I see in me is screaming
How can we truly say that we are alive
When everything I see in me is screaming otherwise
-Parkway Drive