If only you knew.
If only you knew what goes on in my head. What vile, scary,
angry, hate-filled thoughts come into my head. If only you knew
that every day, I put up with fighting, yelling, bitter nights
and pure resentment. If only you knew that I hate my family. That
I like when they're gone and I'm home alone, because I
finally get a break from the hell they create. If only you knew I
feel like a monster. I wish I was normal. I need help. If only
you knew that what's worse for me than the fighting, is the
ignoring. I'm never listened to. I have to scream to be
heard, and even then, sometimes it doesn't work. If only you
knew that I'm alone, unhappy, crazy and sullen. If only you
knew that my smile is only here when I'm at school. I hide
behind it to keep people from figuring out how much is wrong with
me. If only you knew that I'm made fun of day-in and day-out.
That even when my friends do it, it kills me. If only you knew
that I really need extreme help. If only you knew that I want to
tell someone, but I can't. I can't tell anyone. Nobody
listens. Nobody cares. I am minute, hated, invisible and a waste.
Maybe people do know, though. They just don't care, and like
that I suffer. If only you knew my family, friends and everyone
else's words made me contemplate suicide. If only you knew
that I'll never like myself. If only you knew that I'm
only living for two people. If only you knew that the only two
important people in my life are far away. If only you knew that
the reason I'm so drawn into things like books, writing,
music, fandoms and school is because it's all that's ever
been there for me. People never have been. I depend on those
things to keep me happy, sane, and able to survive another day.
If only you knew how chaotic I am, my life is, everything about
me is, how paranoid I am.
IF ONLY YOU KNEW ME.