Quotes added on Tuesday, January 8 2013

Trigger warning
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Triggered. Chapter Three.
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“This is a very beautiful place. One day, I’d like to go in there.” I said as I slowly walked over to a tree and ran my hand over it.
   Cory agreed and said, “Me too. But I’ve seen better places.”
   That’s when I looked at him, finally interested.
  “You have?” I asked. This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen and it’s like I’m homesick for something more.
Cory smiled at me.
   “Sit young one, I have much to tell you.” He said as he sat against the trees stump. I sat next to him but not to close. Then suddenly he got a bit closer, claiming there was a root bothering his bottom.
   “So tell me about this oh to beautiful place.” I laughed and smiled.
   Cory looked at me, his eyes seemed to shine. It’s like I could see myself in the beautifulness of them. I looked almost happy; and I almost was happy. Suddenly Cory leaned in a bit. I looked away from him and at the school. I could feel a blush coming across my cheeks.
   “So this place. I was camping with my dad last summer and we went to the woods. I don’t remember where but there was this river and it was truly amazing. The rushing water; so cool on a warm morning baring lovely fish of all sizes. The trees were so tall full of dark rich green leaves. Claw marks from wild bears. The claw marks went up so high it was hard to tell how high exactly.” Cory kept on describing the beautiful woods and rushing river.
   I closed my eyes and gently leaned my head on his shoulder imagining the amazing feeling that would come with seeing all of this. Then Cory stopped talking the image faded. I could feel the hardness of his strong shoulder and the warmth radiating from his closeness.  I started to blush again, but I kept my eyes closed hoping Cory wouldn’t tell.
   “Nine.” Cory said softly. His fingers tracing over my hand warming my palms. I gently pulled away from him and sat up; eyes open.
   “Um. Yeah?” I said taking a chance to look at him. He looked kind of hurt, but his eyes still had hope in them. This isn’t going to end well for earthier of us. He nervously smiled at me again.
   “Uh, would you like to… Go out with me?” He asked cautiously.
   I looked away, my eyes on the gray school building. I could feel my fake smile breaking. There’s no way I could be with someone like him. He’s way too good for me. I couldn’t stay happy enough for a relationship. Tears burned at my eyes. I could never get close to anyone no matter how hard I try; I’d always mess up in the end; always. I thought to myself.
  “Cory.” I paused trying to keep my breathing under control. “There’s someone else, I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.” I stood up and started to run. My lungs burned, and it hurt to breath. I kept running. I ran to the handicap bathroom and locked the door. I threw my book bag across the small room it crashed on the other side and most of the contents fell out.
   Looking at the little white box that I keep my fake glasses in fell out. Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks. I hurriedly went over and picked up the box opening it up. Folded neatly was my orange glasses cleaner. I gently took it out and unfolded it taking out the sharp blade.
   I carefully took off my shoes along with my black slacks. I folded my pants up and placed them on the counter with my shoes. I took the blade off of the square of fabric and poked my finger. I started to cut along my thighs and hips; over old scars and fresh cuts. Blood started to leak from my open flesh. I kept going; I couldn’t even feel the pain. Everything was numb but I wanted to make sure. I quickly grabbed tissues and started wiping off the blood from my legs before it got to my socks.
   I went to my bag and got out my ‘make up bag’, I opened it up and took out a few packets of gauze and medical tape that I took from John. Quickly I wrapped myself up and taped everything down making sure I wouldn’t bleed through my gauze and pants. After a moment of waiting and cleaning I put my shoes and pants back on finally feeling what I’ve done.
   My pants look a little bulky but not enough to question. I waited by the door curled up in a ball, a few tears dripped down my cheeks. Quickly I wiped them away and gathered up all of my belongings and stuffed it in my book bag. I looked around the small little room to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I washed my hands then headed out of the bathroom.

guys are so confusing!!!!!!!!!

simple as that!!!!

amd yeah i know guys think thst about girls lol

but really!!!!

im so frusterated!!!!

Options for the future

1. suicide
keep fighting




 

The Letter. THE CHANGE.  The Lie.

 

Seeing Tessa and Milo only made the fact that Niall cheated on me that much realer. I mean I knew he had but part of me always hoped that maybe this was just one giant dream. That part was gone now. Another thing seeing them did was reopen the closing wound. 

 

Now that I know what Tessa looks like I feel a million times worse. Even though she looked tired and worn down you could tell at one time she was gorgeous. She was tall and thin, but not grossly. She had her long blonde hair, and though her face was long she had great facial features. Next to her I feel so... plain. 

 

I put my head in my hands. When was this nightmare going to end? Never, the back of my mind reminded me. Niall has a son now, which is going to be a constant reminder of what happened. I smiled, now a happy smile, but a sad smile. The smile you make when you know life has once again defeated you, gotten the best of you. 

 

I thought of the promise I made my self on the drive over: not to get attached to Milo, not to get close to him. At the time it seemed like it was going to be easy enough, but after seeing him, and seeing how much he looked like Niall... it was going to be hard. And that started the internal struggle. 

 

He doesn't deserve to be punished for Niall's mistake.

But he will always remind you of how Niall hurt you.

He is innocent, was that not obvious when you held him?

But he will bring you nothing but misery and pain. 

 

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind. I sat there for a while longer, I don't really know how long I was out in the hall, it was kind of a blur. But eventually Niall walked out of the door. I looked up, and saw his face, so full of concern and worry and sorrow, and that caused me to be concerned. He turned and looked at me; I could tell he was deep in thought about something by the way his eyes were clouded over. 

 

"Is everything okay?" I finally asked. My words broke him out of his trance. 

 

"No," was all he said. We walked out of the hospital and to his car in silence. I started to become really worried about what happened while I was in the hallway. We got to the car and climbed in. 

 

Niall didn't start the car though, he just sat there and stared at the steering wheel before resting his head in his hands. After a moment I heard him mumble something but I couldn't make out the words.

 

"What?" I asked quietly. 

 

"She's dying, Tessa is dying." he began to tell me what happened. Everything to what is wrong with Tessa to promising to give Milo a good life to having to bring him home that week. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I couldn't believe any of this was really happening. Niall didn't cry the entire time he was talking, but once he finished he started crying uncontrollably. 

 

"Niall its going to be okay, its all going to work out," I tried to comfort him but I didn't really believe what I was saying. 

 

"No its not. I always thought Milo was at least going to have a mother to look after him, I always thought Tessa was going to be there to take care of him. Especially while I was gone on tour. I mean I always planned on taking care of him and being apart of his life but now... now I'm going to be the only parental figure in his life." I didn't know what to say. So I didn't anything for a second. I just sat there, still trying to absorb everything that was happening. 

 

"I was already terrified I was going to screw up being a father, but now... now its different," Niall confessed. 

 

This time I knew exactly what to say. "Niall look at me. Look at me." His head slowly turned. His cheeks were red and wet from all of his tears. "You are going to make a great dad. I have always known that you would, but after today watching you take care of him there is no doubt in my mind that you are going to be a great father."

 

A small weak smile crossed Niall's face. We sat there in the car for a few more minutes talking, mostly about how Niall is going to have to bring Milo home and everything we were going to have to do. Even though I still didn't want to get close to Milo I knew I was going to have to help Niall through this. We were talking about different ideas on what to do while they were on tour when suddenly I thought of something.

 

"Niall, are you going to tell your fans?" He froze for a second, honestly I think he forgot about that. 

 

"I'm going to have too." he thought for a moment before continuing. "I'm going to have to before it gets out to the press. Its a miracle they don't know already."

 

"I was thinking the same thing. Directioners seem to know everything seconds after it happens," I laughed slightly. In the back of my mind I couldn't help but think they didn't know about Niall cheating but pushed it even further back.

 

"I need to talk to the lads," he groaned, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. I nodded but didn't say anything. He quickly pulled out his phone and quickly texted all of them. After putting his phone in the central dock he started the car and we began to drive away from the hospital.

 

I can't breathe without you but I have to.

Baby..
I'm so sorry..
So So Sorry..
I Missed your 19th Birthday
I love you Baby
I love you so much
...I can't beleive I missed it
I love you.. everythings going better.. I suppose
Life's crazy.. I have better plans than death now.
I might actually try now.. certian people have given me hope. 
I'm working on changing the world.. still...
I hope I'm getting somewhere, it's killing me, carrying so many people, but I'm doing it. 
I.. I think the cancer killed him.. it's been way over 150 days.. I miss him.. I miss my hope..
Brent did hurt me.. Connor.. I don't even know..
I wish you were here to help me Baby.
But we can't change theese silly things can we? 
You'd be in college, impressing all the boys with your beauty <3 
And I'd kill anyone of them that hurt my sister <3 
Well baby, it's time for me to go, 
I Love You My Angel, Forever & Ever