Quotes added on Wednesday, March 27 2013

This is my confession, it's basically a vent, I won't judge if you ignore this, don't waste your time on me. I just need to let some things out. So this is what I've become. What I am becoming. Its not the road i thought I'd go down, not the right path, but there's no turning back now. I don't like it, but it's me now. What can I do? Do I even want to do anything? Nobody notices, the people who do don't stick around to help. I can't tell my own friends, I'm supposed to be the strong one afterall. They don't want to believe I need help because I have two other friends with serious self esteem issues that need someone to lean on, and its me, but I'm breaking at the same time i'm being forced to stay strong. I'm sure they've noticed something's wrong, I have changed, but they don't ask, they don't mention it, and neither do I. So here I am trapped inside myself, My mom wouldn't understand, I don't know who else to talk to... I've kept this all inside and hidden for so long, now it's all pouring out and I can't stop it. I want to talk to someone, but at the same time I don't, what can I say? what is there to say? I could tell you my story, everything that has pushed me farther and farther over the edge, and maybe you'd listen, maybe you'd understand too, but I don't see how you can help, you'll tell me what everyone else does. "stay strong." well I did for more than a year and look where its gotten me, I don't know how to anymore. like I said, Nobody knows anythings wrong. What am I supposed to do, just go up to my friends or my mom and say, "goodmorning, did I mention my life is falling apart? that I've been crying myself to sleep? that I feel empty inside all the time? that I'm so ashamed of what i did last night when i couldnt fall asleep for the hundreth night in a row but I can't promise I won't do it again?" I never thought I would cut, I never thought I'd go so far off the edge, but you know what? I cant say I won't do it again because the pain helped. I'm so messed up that I have to see my own blood just to know I'm still alive. Oh god what have i come to. that is if god cares, i hate myself for thinking it but it still comes up, what if the one im praying to every night isnt even there, what if he doesnt care? I'm not okay. But I don't see how talking can help. I'm falling apart and not a single person in my life knows. I have issues. But I wouldn't know what to say if someone asked me to talk about it. where would i begin? would they really even care, i'd bore them, if not just make them depressed. I'm so messed up And I just don't know anymore...

People got their ways of coping
and I got mine

That moment
When you just want to give up

IM NOT MEAN.
.....
IM HONEST XD

~
xXBatdorkXx

 

I haven't been new,
To loving someone, or even to having strong feelings for someone, in a long while. I got used to the pattern that I had been in before, where I knew what was coming, knew about the pain, knew what to expect and knew how I was going to hurt. But this, this is totally unexplored ground, a discovered of a different part of me, an admission to the fact that everything I once thought about myself is wrong. It scares me, I'll admit it, to have been so incredibly wrong about something like this. I don't know who I am yet, and I don't know what to do about this yet. All I know is that I'm facing something unfamiliar, and what I'm feeling is real.