Quotes added on Friday, August 21 2015

 
ok. something I've noticed in myself a lot over the years is that my ability to make/keep friends is very, very bad. i don't mean just acquaintances; I'm great with that, maybe a little too great. I'm talking about real, actual friends. Like best friends. I don't think anyone has ever considered me their best friend in my entire life. Of course, I've considered a lot of people my best friends, but they all had their own, so I was usually just a backup.

I think I've only had one solid friendship group in my whole life; by solid, I mean that imbalance and third wheeling was at a minimum, we stayed close despite having different classes and attending different schools, and we all were generally open with each other -- that is, if one friend told another friend about something, it was likely that the rest of our group would be aware, too. Now, let's set real life aside. I'm going to talk about online friendships. These I feel as if I struggle with a lot. I know many people who have met some of their best friends online and even have met them in person, or are simply just close to them. Me? Not so much. Yeah, I try to talk, but I'm usually always in the background. I know people know of me and think well of me. But I'm never invited to group chats or tagged in posts on tumblr or anything like that. I'm just never really included in anything. I'm just there. And that hurts. In real life friendships are very hopeless for me at this point. It's my senior year in high school, everyone has had their clique for a while and do not intend on accepting new members. I've accepted that I'm most likely going to be a loner, since I've drifted from most of my friends for several reasons. So basically, I'm just going to try to be okay with sitting alone in the cafeteria.

That just leaves me online. I just wish I could know. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I trying too hard? Am I just not interesting, not good enough? Do I not deserve friends? What am I doing wrong?

Think I'll miss you forever
Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky

He became torn
between being a good person
and missing out on all of
the opportunities that life could

offer a man as magnificent as him.

Let's forget the past
I swear we'll make this last
'Cause I remember the taste of your skin tonight
And the way that you looked,
you had those eyes
I remember the way it felt inside
And the names of the songs that made you cry
You would scream,
we would fight,
you would call me crazy
I would laugh,
you were mad,
but you always kissed me
And the shirt that I had,
that you always borrowed
When I woke,
it was gone,
there was no tomorrow

I won't waste another day wishing this would fade away
Running, we're not looking back

I want a little bit of California
With a little bit of London sky
I wanna take my heart
to the end of the world
And fly away tonight
I want a little bit of open ocean
With a New York state of mind
I wanna take my heart
to the end of the world
And fly away

A never ending replay
With memories I can't erase
I see the best of times in front of me
Now I'm off to paradise
To a war I'll never fight
Say goodbye to pain and misery

& all those who look down on me?
I'm tearing down your balcony.

-Eminem. <3

 

Caffine. Internet. Cell phones. Alarm clocks. Deadlines. Tests. No way to sleep
Diets. Pills. Models. Exercise. Gym. Sweat. Count. No need to eat.
Work. Stress. Bills. Expectations. Survival. No time to breathe.
This doesn't feel like living to me. 
 

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