Quotes added on Tuesday, April 5 2016
White
noise
in my
mind
Won't calm down
You're
all
I think
about.
I do like 20-30 mimutes a day on an elliptical (unless someone is
home. then no thank you.) depending on what time I finally get
around to doing it, what I ate, the resistence, etc. and yeah it's
hard, but it's supposed to be. and I can do 30 minutes of that. as
a fattie. and it gives me great joy that I can do that. and that
the non-fattie people in my house, that like to make me feel like
crap for being a fattie, are dead and can't hit 5 minutes (even
with 0 resistence.)
It is too
easy to be rough. It is easy to be harsh, cruel,
blunt, funny in a way that makes someone feel bad. It's
easy to make yourself unapproachable, to glare at strangers
who keep eye contact with you too long or raise your eyebrow
at a nervous joke told too hastily. You can be melancholy.
You can be hurt, nursing past wounds, unraveling stitches to
keep cuts bleeding and fresh — that isn't hard,
it' isn't hard at all.
But I am tired of looking myself and seeing jagged edges. I am tired of wearing away at myself, keeping myself rough because an older me, a past me, a me filled with naiveté and bitterness, thought it was what I wanted. Because I've done it, and I've lived it, and I've grown with it, and I have learned that there is nothing congratulatory or aspirational about this.
There's a difference between self-respect and mean-spiritedness... scaring people away is nothing to be proud of. It is too easy to be rough, but kindness is easier to respect than a bitter smirk.
But I am tired of looking myself and seeing jagged edges. I am tired of wearing away at myself, keeping myself rough because an older me, a past me, a me filled with naiveté and bitterness, thought it was what I wanted. Because I've done it, and I've lived it, and I've grown with it, and I have learned that there is nothing congratulatory or aspirational about this.
There's a difference between self-respect and mean-spiritedness... scaring people away is nothing to be proud of. It is too easy to be rough, but kindness is easier to respect than a bitter smirk.
Do you
ever wonder if
It's all worth it?
Do you ever
wonder why you're here in the
first
place? They
say everything
happens for
a reason. But
I just
don't see it.
All I've ever
done in life
is try to find
that reason.
Try to keep
hope. But
that
search gets harder
and harder
everyday.
And now
I think
that search
has to be
lost for me
at
least. Maybe
my reason
was always
just this.
Maybe this
was all I
ever deserved? I
don't know
what's
going to happen
afterwards.
But it has
to be better
than this.
It's just constant
pain day
after day
and I'm tired
of it.
I'll admit,
there has been
good times
everyone has
them. I don't doubt
that I'd have had
more eventually. But
there not
worth it.
This is
how everyone
ends up anyway.
I don't see why I
can't just speed
up the process. I'm
tired. I'm
done. Goodbye.
