Quotes added on Friday, August 12 2016
Its
funny
how
easy
it is
to hide
in plan
sight.
1:03am
every facet of my head hurts--my mind, my jaw, my ears, my eyes are on fire. my stomach is churning. i'm hunched over, sitting on a chair in my kitchen, staring at the medicine cabinet. i just want it to stop.
1:47am
i am holding a bottle of pills. my hand is shaking, causing the capsules to rattle. my face is contorted, my eyebrows are permanently furrowed. the fan above me creates a buzzing noise that blocks out any voice of reason i could be hearing.
2:28am
the bottle is on the floor, the cap is broken off. all the pills are gone. my shaking has gotten worse. i've started sweating, and drops of it sting my eyes. they blur my vision. i don't care. i feel like i'm going to lose everything i've eaten today. i pound my fist on my thigh, and the bruises that are already there scream. i grit my teeth.
3:52am
my jaw aches worse than ever. my abdomen is sore. i'm gasping curses on myself. i've thrown up four times. i might pass out if i do it again. there was a time i would've died rather than vomit. i wish i was dead. wasn't that the whole point?
5:00am
i am asleep on the bathroom floor. my toothbrush is laying on the side of the sink, next to an open tube of toothpaste. my dreams are black.
5:57am
i cough myself awake. my skin looks dead. my toes are numb. my throat is raw. i take a shallow breath and stand up. my legs are wobbly. my body aches from sleeping on the hard tile. i force myself to take a shower. i try not to look at myself in the mirror.
6:30am
my back is against my matress. judy garland is playing from my ipod. her voice soothes me. i unclench my fists. i will be okay. i will be okay. i will be okay.
every facet of my head hurts--my mind, my jaw, my ears, my eyes are on fire. my stomach is churning. i'm hunched over, sitting on a chair in my kitchen, staring at the medicine cabinet. i just want it to stop.
1:47am
i am holding a bottle of pills. my hand is shaking, causing the capsules to rattle. my face is contorted, my eyebrows are permanently furrowed. the fan above me creates a buzzing noise that blocks out any voice of reason i could be hearing.
2:28am
the bottle is on the floor, the cap is broken off. all the pills are gone. my shaking has gotten worse. i've started sweating, and drops of it sting my eyes. they blur my vision. i don't care. i feel like i'm going to lose everything i've eaten today. i pound my fist on my thigh, and the bruises that are already there scream. i grit my teeth.
3:52am
my jaw aches worse than ever. my abdomen is sore. i'm gasping curses on myself. i've thrown up four times. i might pass out if i do it again. there was a time i would've died rather than vomit. i wish i was dead. wasn't that the whole point?
5:00am
i am asleep on the bathroom floor. my toothbrush is laying on the side of the sink, next to an open tube of toothpaste. my dreams are black.
5:57am
i cough myself awake. my skin looks dead. my toes are numb. my throat is raw. i take a shallow breath and stand up. my legs are wobbly. my body aches from sleeping on the hard tile. i force myself to take a shower. i try not to look at myself in the mirror.
6:30am
my back is against my matress. judy garland is playing from my ipod. her voice soothes me. i unclench my fists. i will be okay. i will be okay. i will be okay.
NOBODY IS
GOING TO MAKE ME GIDDY ABOUT THE MOON. NOBODY IS GOING TO
MAKE THE STARS LOOK A LITTLE BRIGHTER. THE MOON WILL BE JUST
THE MOON. AND THE STARS WILL BE FARTHER THAN EVER. AND
OUTERSPACE WILL BE THE PLACE I LONG TO BE, JUST ORBITING BY
MYSELF. AND WHEN I LOOK DOWN AND SEE THE EARTH, IT WILL BE
JUST THE EARTH. I WILL NOT ROMANTICZE THE ROBIN EGG
OCEANS,THE ICE CAPPED MOUNTAINS, OR THE EMERALD FORESTS. I
WILL JUST RECOGNIZE IT AS A PLACE I DID NOT BELONG; A PLACE I
DID NOT WANT TO BELONG. YOU SEE, OCEANS ARE VASTS, MOUNTAINS
ARE ROCKY, AND IN THE FORESTS THERE ARE WILD BEASTS. SOME
PEOPLE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ADVENTURERS. SOME PEOPLE ARE MEANT
TO JUST OBSERVE; JUST MEANT TO ORBIT. I KNOW MY SOFT, PINK
HANDS WILL NEVER BE JAGGED AND I KNOW MY STRAWBERRY MOUTH
WILL NEVER CUT ANYTHING. MAYBE THIS WAY MY GOLD EYES WILL
NEVER WEEP, BUT THEY WILL CONTINUE TO PERCEIVE FROM A
FAR.
"Follow what your heart tells you to do. Not what
others tell you." Well why didnt I think of that. Dont you
think if it was that easy I would have done that by now.
