Quotes added on Friday, September 2 2016

i cant count how many times ive started to write or record things & then deleting it before posting because it sounds silly to me. is this my insecurities? or am i just stupid lol
Every moment of Life is a Challenge to Choose. Some Win, some Lose.
So it's been more than a year for those of you who've listened and I'm not sure entirely what to say.  I earned a lot of money and spent a lot of money. I became closer to a lot of friends and drifted apart from a few. I had plenty of fun but was also plenty sad. I thought this post would be full of all the answers everyone ever needed to figure themselves out and though I learned quite a bit, I didn't learn enough to have all the answers, but I have a lifetime. So sorry if this gets mushy for a bit, for those of you who don't like that stuff, but you might want to indulge yourself for this one quote. I use to think that if you could make yourself feel numb that you were a success and that the next step would be growing up. but it's not, not to me at least. What I believe makes you get to that next step where you get to grow up is learning how to balance everything and to never be completely free because that means having no connection to poeple or whatever your poison is which means no connection to emotion and as far as I can tell that's the only reason I ever had fun. Some of you may want a life by yourself but happiness insn't achieved completely by yourself I don't believe, if you make a connection with animals, nature, or a higher being then you've made a connection and are therefore not alone. So to those of you looking for the answers, you're not going to find them right away but if you numb yourself and thicken your skin you'll never find them. The fun is in finding the answers and being old and grumpy and wise is for basking in the journey you took to find those answers and to pass on hints to make the road to your place easier for those who don't know what's ahead of them yet, I'm not editing this too much so that I leave the rawness in and since people are my poison and from what I can tell only raw people have real emotion then it seems fitting. I don't know when I'll be back but this isn't for you, this is for me, but if I can help my poison then I will. 
- Cayla-Marie

What do you do when your entire healing process
feels like the beginning of a murder ballad?

I realized that what he had done was not right
in the middle of the night in some faraway June.

I somehow fell asleep after that. Woke up
the next morning, the floor below me

trembling, a kitchen knife in my hand
for a split second. There isn’t a way

for me to be honest and tell you
I haven’t ever wanted revenge

at the same time. I do remember his full name,
but I do not say it out loud. I scrubbed

any evidence of him out of me, 
and now I reek of Good Survivor.

I am not supposed to fantasize 
about dropping a lit match in his jeans.

I am not supposed to have imagined
my fist lodged in his Adam’s Apple.

So what does that make me? On his level?

Too angry? A girl in a song only preparing herself

to be left in the water? But I don’t think 
I’m as hungry as I’m making myself out to be.

The truth is: if I ever saw him on the street, 
I would cross to the other side and hide myself

in the nearest shop. That doesn’t mean
I still haven’t woken up every morning

thinking God has left a weapon in my hand
in hopes of the river inside of me

finally flooding.

in the end even the stars choose destruction over life
I could be your painkiller, killer, killer
Love me till its all over, over
I could be your painkiller, killer, killer
Love me till its all over, over
In the end as you fade into the night,
Who will tell the story of your life?
it hapened when I was young
still developing as they call it
so it's easy to take it as blame
to take my trauma and name it
my creator, my genisis
because it has made me the strong woman I am 
today, right? made me survivor.

made me miserable to be honest
made me crazy. Made me say no
to drinks and parties and men
made me mad, made me vengeful
made me the match to the gasoline
the lade in the river, overflowing
too much rain
mostly it made me scared
of dark and men and myself
of power, of currency, of expectations

broke me, really broke me
and made me stand up without feet
made me walk and run without feet
made fun of me as I fell without feet
until I walked, and then grew feet
then made me strong. Made me survivor
made me example of survivor
good survivor

I would have walked
if I never lost my feet
I would have been strong regardless
there is no creator but myself
I had to learn again
to lose the mad and gain compassion
to become the flower instead of the dager
the smile instead of the punch
but I got there regardless

i'm not the best choice nor am i probably the right choice but i hope you'll choose me.
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