Hey Papa,
Whenever I looked at you, I always saw you through eyes of guilt.
For whatever reason you've always been proud of me. I
don't deserve that pride though. Because for the longest time
I've lived my life ashamed of you. I think you like me
because I'm 'the quiet one'. I think you like me
because I'm seemingly peaceful. Sigh. I like that you think
that of me but it also sparks a wildfire within my heart and
mind.
Hey, hey Papa.
This isn't a ramble about how much I hate you. No, no no, I
never did. I never will. I love you so much. Too much, that it
hurts when I look at you. All I feel is guilt. You've always
been so proud of me. My brother always told me about how
you'd boast about me behind my back to anyone who would
listen. I don't deserve any of it though. I wish you'd
love me a little less, because you're too kind. You work too
hard for me and I don't deserve any of it.
Hey P-Papa,
If you knew how I felt, you'd cry. I only ever saw you cry
once, and I don't know if that really counts. We'd gotten
a phone call that your step-mother had died. You made an excuse
to go to the bathroom while rubbing at your eyes. I remember you
muttering something about how "Things like this
happen." I wanted to cry. But I'm cursed too, I can feel
deeply but the tears never come when I need them to. I can't
cry for movies, I can't shed a tear for books or touching
music, or poetry. But I'm tearing up now. You're asleep
in the next room. You're always so tired. I wish I could lift
some of your burdens, but I can't. That makes me more guilty.
I remember when I fractured my foot I cried, but that was only
because I was laughing too. I heard that crying and laughing at
the same time turns you into a monster. I guess I'm some form
of monster. The guilt has eaten away at me for too long, I
don't know how or who I'd be without it.
Papa. I'm sorry.
Hey, yes I am.
Your raven head of hair is fading fast into a pearly white, but
you don't have any plans of retiring soon. You work so hard
for me. Maybe I'm more selfish for thinking it's all just
for me. I know it's not. But why do you make this so hard? I
wish you would shout at me some times. Then it'd make bearing
the guilt easier. I want to just say it somewhere and maybe
relief some of the stress.
Dad for the longest time I've been ashamed of you. I
can't even bring myself to write why but it's there.
It's right there, when I hear your alarm at three am, when
you get up for another day. When you almost fall asleep behind
the wheel from how tired you are. When you come to all my
important assemblies, regardless if you understand what is being
said or regardless of how tired you are.
Thank you. I love you. And I'm sorry. I hope you never know
about this. I just needed an outlet.
I hope I can give you a reason to be proud in this
lifetime. You're my main source of motivation and
inspiration. Thank you, God, for the best Dad, even if I am
undeserving.
Hey papa. The lacking daughter that you're so proud of for no
reason loves you more than you'll ever know.