i used to take so long thinking about what clothes i wanted to wear
for the day, but now the process is so much quicker
nothing has changed about it, except that ive gotten used to
the polls between the left and right side of my brain,
how do i feel today? about my gender? about my weight? shape?
how to i want to portray myself? am i tough? weak?
am i confident enough to wear tight jeans?
or am i homesick...and wear loose jeans?
lastly do i have open scars? will the red bleed through?
do i want it to bleed through? where am i going today, do i want
them to notice and ask if i'm okay?
are they almost healed? will not ruining a pair of jeans be just
enough motivation for me to not pick at it?
these are the questions i have grown used to. it's like
answering the questions at the hospital. the same ones, over...and
you grow used to automatically checking boxes, knowing exactly
where everything is on the symptoms sheet...
hardly even throwing a second glance, but still never missing the
mark. this is life in my head, and whether i like it or not,
the automatic questionnaire will run, and my brain will answer. i
dont think about it too much consciously, but when i do, it scares
i automatically reach for the jeans that my brain has decided
on...and now it's time to pick a shirt.