Quotes added on Thursday, October 13 2016

Have you
ever wanted

The Sun challenges us to Shine, the Clouds remind us to Move, the Birds tell us we too can Fly and the Sky tells us that there is no limit to our Dreams and Goals.
I only pray for what I need

not too much that I may boost

not too little that I may beg

but enough that I may never lack;-)
As of late, i seem to not be able to remember who I am, Not a a person, but as a spirit. Those who i left my trust and faith in have been seeming to dim. The lights from my life, slowing fading from existance. People always tell me that im important and that i matter a lot to them. It doesnt seem like it. It seems more and more painful. Honestly, i seem to be hating myself for it as well. Like it my fault for this. Ive come to terms with this before. Although it gets worse each time it happens. So far worse that ive been reverting back to my previous stages in life. When i didnt have friends. It doesnt appear like i have friends. My "friends" say that they care about me. 

I think about why i should even bother. I feel like im losing. Like there is no point in trying to even live my life. But everytime i do i feel dead. I have this selfhatred, that seems to be boiling like a pool of hot blood fresh from my dying body. I cant even see into my eyes anymore. Into my very soul. 

Do i even have my soul?

It just feels like this empty void that is just circulating in my body. Not knowing what to do. Wether to wake up or stay dormant, ill never know. 

Maybe one day ill be able to solve the mystery of how i truly died. Not a corpse but as a living husk that just walks around for days, months, even years. I remember when i used to laugh, about nothing at all it was better than going  mad. But now i cant solve any problems i have. I just cant live on like this anymore. I want to try being better than i already am but everyone keeps pushing me down. Like im not important, Some people barely remember my own name. I barely get to remember my own name. I rarely get to hear it anymore. 

My name is.....

Hey y'all.
Just gonna do a quick update.
I'm a month and a half into senior year.
Half of my friends are currently not talking to me.
The other half are but I also don't care to see any of them at the moment.
I'm not surprised October is throwin a terrible curve at me.
I expected it. I also don't it expect to last throguh the whole of October either.
Even if it does, I know I'm going to be okay.
Just Sunday night, I cried myself to sleep.
Last night I did the same.
I don't know what happened within the last 24 hours but I don't care.
I do not care what happens from now til whenever.
As long as I'm alive, have my family and dogs, I don't care.
I know in time, they'll talk to me when they realize they are in the wrong, since I have done nothing.
But if it takes longer than expected, so be it.
I'll survive.
It's so fcking refreshing to know that.
It's so refreshing to be able to say that.
I know I'm going to be okay.
I may not be entirely whole now, but this is life.
This is how it works. You have downfalls.
At least I'm somewhat aware of when mine will happen.
I'm going to be okay.

i hate seeing people my age in public
bc its always like a competition of whose more attractive and im always losing


my kink: being in bed before 10 pm with my makeup washed off and my hair tied up.

October 6, 2002.
14 years and a week ago.
That's the day you died.
The day some man in an eighteen-wheeler decided to be careless.
The day a woman lost her husband.
The day a father lost their son.
The day a brother and sister lost their brother.
The day newphews and neices lost their uncle.
The day two parent-in-laws lost their only son-in-law.
The day two daughters lost their father.

I carry a picture of you and me in my purse.
It has been there since I've bought that purse.
It has been in backpacks and wallets before that.
You may not be here, but you are always with me.

I'll always be mad at the man who killed you.
But I can't help but hope that he can live with what he did.
He also had everything we lost.
I couldn't live with myself knowing that he didn't live his life fully after killing you.
I know he didn't do it on purpose.

We had to put down Minnie a few months back.
I like to think you met her at the gates.
If they do exist. And I'm hoping they do.

14 years doesn't change the fact that I'll ever forget the day I was told you weren't coming home.
Even Minnie was standing there with us on that lawn.
I will forever be thankful my last words to you were "I love you."
I will forever be thankful that I got to hug you goodbye before we lef the house.
I don't know how I got so lucky, thinking about it.
Luckily but unlucky. I'll take what I got. It's better than most.

Your tattoo will be on me forever.
You will be with me forever.
I will tell my future husband all about you.
I will tell your grandchildren how great of a man you were.

I love you.

June 10, 2016.
Minnie Mouse.
Unlike the "real" Minnie Mouse, you were the best dog I ever had.
My childhood ended when I watched the life go out of your eyes.
Most people can't watch their dog die.
I wasn't leaving you in those last moments.
You were there for me for everything.
I was going to be there to end your pain.

It's silly to miss a dog so much.
But you knew dad.
And not many people knew him.
I got you when I was 5 years old.
I had you for 16 years.
I'm getting a Minnie Mouse tattooed on my leg for you.
Hakuna Matata, Minnie.

We love you so much.

destroy the idea that i will ever calm down

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